RSS Feed (xml)

Powered By

Skin Design:
Free Blogger Skins

Powered by Blogger

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Eyes that can SEE

I'm so grateful for the kind and encouraging comments I received on that last post. While I'm still feeling a bit discouraged, I had somewhat of a breakthrough Tuesday night. Kai hadn't been feeling well for a couple of days and that night his right eye became red and goopy. Obviously pink eye, my kids have had it often enough that we've gotten really good at recognizing it.

Or so I thought.

See, my eyes have been very irritated and uncomfortable for more than a week. In fact, my left eye had gotten so bad that I couldn't really see, but it happened so gradually that I wasn't consciously aware of the severity of the problem. I was truly suffering but until I pulled out the eye drops for Kai I didn't know why. Now, after only a few doses of eye drops (that were in the medicine cabinet the whole time), I can see! I'm not capable of putting into words how much better I feel. It truly amazes me that something as insignificant as pink eye can cause me such huge problems and be solved by something as simple as a few eye drops.

I guess it's sort of like praying for help and immediately feeling the love and support of family and friends. Who knew?

Thursday, April 22, 2010

The Roller Coaster Ride

I'm feeling so frustrated that I just want to scream!

It's been about 11 months since I started on my weight loss journey and instead of being a smooth and easy ride, it's been a roller coaster of emotional losses and gains. The plan was to exercise and modify my diet, thus losing a steady 10 pounds a month. By now, I was supposed to be down 110 pounds with only 40 to go. Instead, I'm down 41 pounds with 109 to go. I can't believe how hard this is!

I started last May at 290 pounds, a number that still shocks me. I lost consistently until November (the holidays, ugh!) when I weighed in at 248 and went into a holding pattern until January. I lost 6 pounds in January and then illness and cold weather ganged up on me and I put on 20 pounds between the end of January and the end of March. That was the worst I've felt about myself since last May when I started all this. At that point I decided to change my strategy just a little and weigh myself once a week instead of once a month. That seemed to help since I lost twelve pounds the first week of April and another four the second week.

But yesterday I weighed myself again and was back up four pounds to 249.

I just don't know how to handle this anymore. I should be feeling happy that I've lost 40 pounds, that's a big deal! But all I can think about is the fact that I'm still huge! I want to be under 200 pounds so bad that it's hard to even think about anything else! I'm just so tired all the time. Losing weight is supposed to make you stronger and give you energy, but I just feel crappy. I feel weak and tired. And, as I lose weight, my periods are getting worse. Lots of pain and bleeding and bloating and cravings. I put on 10 pounds every four weeks as a direct result of my stupid hormonal cycle. I lose it (mostly) afterwards, but it takes a few days and exercising before, during, and after that time of the month is extremely difficult.

I don't know. I'm just so tired of fighting my food addiction, painful knees, exhaustion, guilt because I spend so much time exercising instead of paying attention to my kids and disappointment in the lack of results. I'm starting to feel like weighing less than 200 pounds is an unattainable goal for me. I want to give up, but the consequences of giving up are much too serious. What does the future look like for me and my family if I give up on this now?

This isn't a very fun roller coaster ride.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Contemplating Raspberries

Saturday was a fun day. In addition to Graeme's soccer game and cleaning the house, we decided to get a bit of work done in the yard. Brian tilled the garden....

.....while I weeded the raspberries, something I've been meaning to do for quite a while. It's hard to tell in this picture, but there isn't nearly as much grass and other non-raspberry plants in this bed now.

Personally, I believe that the only time it is even possible to weed the raspberries is in the early spring before the bees discover them so I've definitely been feeling some urgency to get it done. However, this particular weeding adventure was somewhat spur of the moment so I went into it a little less than prepared.

(Note to self: long sleeves and garden gloves are a much better way to go when weeding raspberries)

To keep my mind off the pain of weeding, I began to contemplate the raspberries and the process of caring for them. Raspberries are interesting creatures. They grow like weeds in rocky soil and harsh conditions. I've seen them thrive in the heat and sun of St. George and the wind and cold of Hyrum. Of course they do better with good soil and moderate conditions, fertilizer and water, but they're tough little things and will find a way to survive no matter what. This toughness has caused raspberries to develop some interesting survival traits. They're covered with sharp, nasty little thorns, (see picture above) the berries are small and well hidden and bees love them! Because of these things, caring for and harvesting raspberries is a lot of work for a small reward.
For some strange reason my mind next drifted to the struggles of parenting. My kids are interesting creatures. Maybe not quite as tough as raspberries, but every bit as prickly and difficult to work with, especially as they approach teenage years. Chloe. Anyway, I often feel just as unprepared to deal with them as I was to weed the raspberries on Saturday. And, they are a TON of work for what often seems to be a small reward.
So what's my point here? Well, I realized that the raspberries weren't trying to be difficult, it's just the way they are. It would be silly to be angry at the raspberries for scratching me and it's silly to be angry at my children when they make my life hard. They're not trying to be naughty or difficult, it's just the result of learning to survive in this often harsh climate they've been planted in. It's also not their fault that I'm completely unprepared for the challenges of parenting. Who is, really, until they've gone through it 10 or 12 times?
Who knew raspberries were so good for self-realization?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Spring (thank goodness it's over) Break 2010

Spring break was last week and man, what a week it was! I did my usual laundry and grocery shopping and then we played, played, played! First we went to see How To Train Your Dragon in 3-D (still the best movie ever)! Then we went to the Hogle Zoo. The giraffes were my favorite part. I just love how impossibly graceful they are!

This ground hog (or prairie dog? I not sure which) exhibit was the kids' second favorite next to the snakes and scorpions which I refused to take pictures of on the grounds that they freak me out.

Real white rhinocerous. Turns out the title "white" has nothing to do with the skin color and everything to do with the shape of the lip. Who knew?

Kids on a rhinocerous statue. I'm pretty sure the real rhino wouldn't have sat still for this sort of behavior.

Real elephant and very cute baby.

Kids in front of an elephant statue. I wanted them to sit on the trunk, but they wouldn't. Oh well.

After the zoo, we went to Baby Animal Days at the America West Heritage Center (used to be the Jensen Historical Farm). Twice. My kids look forward to this event all year. I think they enjoy it even more than Christmas! Graeme's face here is a case in point.

They had this mechanical bucking bronco set up this year. I was astonished when Chloe insisted that I let her try it. She did really well, didn't even get thrown off and had a great time! I may have a budding rodeo princess on my hands.

Actual baby animals. Poor things.

Kids in a really old car. I'm trying not to think to much about the fact that Chloe is behind the wheel.

Cute baby bear.

Okay, that was just Kai in a baby bear mask. Here's the real cute baby bear. These little guys were so adorable, they looked like big soft teddy bears. It's hard to believe that they can grow into 300 pounds wild animals.

Chloe on the all-important pony ride. I'm going to be very sad when she outgrows the ponies. I'll have to get her a summer job at one of the local farms where she can learn to ride horses. Although, honestly, I wonder if she'll ever physically outgrow ponies. She's so small!

Graeme on same pony ride.

Last but not least, Kai.

All in all, we had a ton of fun. I didn't get any projects done, but at least I didn't let the kids watch TV and play video games all week. Of course, Graeme decided to continue our new family tradition of someone getting wounded during Spring Break by slamming Kai's finger in the door. (Last year Graeme fell at Disneyland and scraped up his forehead pretty good.
Miraculously, he survived and the rest of us did too. Hopefully I'll have the stamina to continue the fun over the summer. Either way, Spring Break 2010 is done. Phew!

The Dream

Early this morning after Brian left for Salt Lake, I went back to sleep and had a dream. In this dream I did something that I would NEVER do in real life. It was really fun and exciting and at the time (in the dream) I really enjoyed it.

When I woke up, for a brief moment, I thought that it was real and I had really done the terrible thing that I did in my dream.

My whole world came crashing down around me. In that split second before I realized that it was only a dream, I saw that my actions would result in the loss of every person and every thing important to me. My husband and kids, my church membership, all the projects and work that have been so stressful for me lately would be gone from my life. I wanted to die.

When the moment passed and I realized that mistake had never actually been made, the relief and gratitude that I felt were overwhelming. I got down on my knees and thanked my Heavenly Father for the wonderful life that I have. Life really is good and I guess I just need the occasional reminder to keep me on the straight and narrow.

Monday, April 5, 2010

How to Train Your Dragon

Best. Movie. Ever!!!!!!

I'm not joking. Drop whatever you're doing, get up from the computer and go see it right now! In 3-D!

Take your spouse, your neighbor and your kids and go! Now!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

My babies

The kids got to wear their new Easter finery last Sunday since this weekend is Conference. So we took some pictures and I thought I'd share.

Chloe chose the pattern and fabric for her dress, then I made it. Now she's telling me that it's a bit "puffy". Sigh. I made her last three Easter and last two Christmas dresses and I think this is the best one yet. I have to admit that I'm very proud of myself!

Here's Kai; his clothes are a little big now, but I'm sure he'll barely fit into them by the end of the summer! My dryer must be too hot because his clothes keep getting smaller and smaller. Hmmm.........

Since Graeme's going to be baptized in June, we bought him his first suit. I can't believe how grown-up he looks in it! Of course, after church with no tie and his shirt untucked, he informed me that he wants to not wear his suit again until he gets baptized. I was a little confused because he was so excited about wearing it in the first place, but I think he was a little embarassed because not many of the other boys his age wear one. Whatever.

They look happy here, but two minutes after this picture was taken, they were outside screaming about what order they would get into the van. I guess I don't need to worry about my kids growing up too fast since they seem to be fighting the whole process tooth and nail!