A walk

This morning I went for a walk.

I saw color: green, brown, a touch of red, one whole tree with leaves yellow like the sun.  I saw flowers, grass, bushes and trees moving in the wind.  I saw the mountains solid and unmoving.  I saw rocks and grasshoppers and houses and dogs and cows.  I saw beautiful things.

I heard my footsteps.  I heard the wind moving through the leaves and grass and past my ears.  I heard insects and dogs and children and cars.  I heard beautiful things.

I smelled Fall.  I smelled grass and trees and dirt.  I smelled cows and hay.  I smelled the canyon on the wind and the coolness that is no longer Summer and is not quite Winter.  I smelled beautiful things.

I felt my legs moving and my heart beating.  I felt the sun on my face and the wind pushing and tugging at me.  I felt beautiful things.

Now I feel my Father's love in all this beauty trying to break through the ugliness that is living inside me.  I hope it succeeds.

Prove Me

About a month ago life was very good.  I was feeling good about myself, my life, my faith, my calling.  I was listening to an album that a good friend gave me last Christmas (The Collection, Hilary Weeks) and one of the songs just jumped out at me.  It's called "Prove Me" and this is how it starts:

A fearless heart
Unwavering faith
The kind of courage and conviction
That it takes
To leave your home behind
Or part the Red Sea
I wonder
Did God plant that kind of strength in me?
Just a seed now, but maybe it will grow

She goes on to ask God to refine and test her until all her flaws and earthly imperfections are washed away and her will turns to Him.  She ends the song with:

Until I trust without hesitation
When humility has chased away the pride
Until the day through Your grace
I'm welcomed home
Until then
Prove me

At the time I thought, as I have many times before, how great it would be to be that faithful.  But this time, deep in my heart, I finally spoke those quiet words: "prove me".  The response to my timid request was swift and unexpected.  I was presented with a situation that has brought me to my knees and more.  Several times I've hit rock bottom.  I've felt like I had taken all I was capable of taking and I simply couldn't go on.  Each time, as I considered giving up, I again heard that voice, my voice, deep in my heart: "prove me" and I got up and went on.

I'll admit, I haven't handled this well.  I haven't put my trust in my Heavenly Father without hesitation and my pride is big and ugly and ever-present.  I hang onto my flaws and earthly imperfections and my will is all over the place.  But I haven't given up.  Right now, I feel like the kid whose Little League coach is visiting him in the hospital after a big game.  The coach says: "you got hurt pretty bad, are you okay?"  "Yeah, coach.  I'm okay but I sure made some stupid mistakes."  "Well then, let's talk about it and see if we can figure out how to fix those mistakes next time."  I'm wounded and hurting but boy am I glad He's willing to help me and give me all the next times I need.  I'm bracing myself because here it comes again:

prove me.