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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Oh, What Songs of the Heart

Wow, what a crazy summer it's been so far. Graeme lost a tooth, Kai's starting potty training, Chloe's been in softball and opera camp, we've planted grass and a jungle of weeds, I mean a garden, we've harvested strawberries, spinach, radishes, peas, raspberries, green beans and are anxiously awaiting green peppers, eggplants, cabbage, broccoli, pumpkins, corn and more green beans, we did a paper route for a month, the boys are going to start swimming lessons soon, I've had tremendous success at the gardener's market so I've spent a considerable amount of time cutting, sewing and crocheting and I've been attempting to build an emergency food supply.
I've also mostly managed to keep up with visiting teaching and I got to help hem pants for the temple. And, incidentally, we've managed to keep everyone reasonably healthy, groomed and fed (in that order).
Needless to say, the house isn't the cleanest it's ever been, there are numerous unfinished projects and nobody's ready for school (starts Aug. 21st). But I'm happy.
For those of you who are following my battle with Borderline Personality Disorder, I'm happy to say that I'm currently winning. I've just about finished a book I bought that's teaching me new skills (BPD generally manifests as inappropriate coping skills) and I've been taking an anti-depressant. Deciding to take the medicine was a really tough choice because it's not something I ever wanted to do, but when I started learning new skills I realized how wonderful it was to not be drowning in my own guilt all the time. However, learning these new skills is extremely difficult and takes time so I got some help.
Now I love my life again. I have hard, emotional times still, but I laugh more than I cry and my children are once more endearing and humorous instead of overwhelming. I feel level and in control most of the time. By identifying and accepting what's going on in my crazy head, I can stand up straight and face each new day with hope and joy.
It sounds corny to say it, but I've always had a heart full of music; now that music is good again. As I was choosing the August hymns I came across an old favorite and even though it's talking about meeting with loved ones beyond this life, it really does express the way I'm feeling. Especially the third verse:
Oh, the visions we'll see in that home of the blest,
There's no word, there's no thought can impart,
But our rapture will be all the soul can attest,
In the heavenly songs of the heart;
But our rapture will be in the vision we'll see
Best expressed in the songs of the heart.
(Oh, What Songs of the Heart; hymns no. 286)
I wish I could put into words how much better I'm feeling here in my home of the blest, but I guess my rapture is best expressed in the songs of my heart.