Finding joy in the journey

Yesterday in Relief Society we had a most excellent lesson taken from a Conference talk given by President Thomas S. Monson. It's called "Finding Joy in the Journey".
I just had to blog about it because the idea of living in the moment and being grateful for what you have is my greatest ally in my battle with Borderline Personality Disorder.
President Monson said (quoting someone else):

“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend … when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present—love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us [happiness]—the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth.”

Each day when I get out of bed, that insidious little voice in my head begins to whisper, pointing out all of the deficiencies in my life. So each day when I get out of bed, I have to make a conscious choice to count my blessings and actively seek out all of my abundance. President Monson also said:

"This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now. Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family."

I have come to realize, in the last year or so, how true this sentiment is! I cannot always choose what circumstances I will find myself in, and I cannot always direct the change that occurs in my life, but I can ALWAYS choose how I deal with my circumstances and how I react to the change. I was talking to Chloe on Saturday about this next year. I told her that she's only got one year to be ten, one chance, and then it will be gone.
That conversation got me thinking about how truly precious this life is. Just like Chloe, I've only got one chance to be 36. One year and then I move on to 37. What will I choose to do with that time? I also only have one chance at this life. At some point it will end; will I look back to discover that I wished my life away? Or, will I look back on a life filled with gratitude and joy? Only I can make that choice and ensure that my journey is a good one.

Today I am most grateful for:
A living prophet
Self-realization
and My life!

So Mad I Could Spit!

This is going to be a good long rant, so feel free to skip it if you want.
I know that I overreact to everything; with Borderline Personality Disorder, drama is the name of the game. What people need to understand is that BPD individuals are drowning in emotion all the time. Every emotion that I experience is accompanied by a secondary emotion (usually guilt) and the underlying worry that every person in my life is suddenly going to abandon me. Being overweight doesn't help.
About three years ago, before I discovered my BPD, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, which is just a fantastic illness where the thyroid stops functioning or functions below where it should. When my thyroid broke, I put on 20 pounds (in a month), my hair began falling out, I developed a lovely lump on the back of my neck, I was exhausted to the point of physical pain, I was cold all the time and my emotions were so out of control that I thought I had gone insane. Not a happy time, but I found a doctor and got on medication that returned me to normal (more or less).
When we moved here two years ago, I found a new doctor. Now, keep in mind that my life is dominated by BPD. Every time I went to this doctor, she made it clear to me that if I would just lose weight I wouldn't have any medical problems. She also put me on an anti-depressant that has sugar craving as a common side effect. Because, apparently, I'm not just fat, I'm stupid and lazy also. She clearly wasn't doing wonders for my self-esteem and lately I've been having those thyroid symptoms again so I decided to go to another doctor.
My appointment was yesterday. Before I went, I checked my dosage amount (thyroid medication) and discovered that back in October, my doctor had lowered my dosage significantly. Did I mention that she didn't discuss this with me? Now, I know that I should have checked it myself when I refilled at the pharmacy, but a word of warning from the doctor would have been nice. I can't help but wonder what she thought was going to happen! I've put on another 10 pounds in the last three weeks (after starting an exercise program) and my emotions have been all over the place. I wish she could understand what she's done to me!! So mad I could spit!!!!!!

The Good Fight

This has been a hard week. I do have to admit that in my life things are going very well. Sure, the kids all have colds but we have a lovely home, two cars, food and clothes and Brian has a reasonably stable job. I hate to say it, but my challenges stem from my crazy brain. The last couple of days I've been losing my battle with Borderline Personality Disorder. It's very discouraging. One small (perceived) criticism knocked my fragile self-esteem off the ledge into the abyss. (Out of control hormones aren't helping, either) When my self-esteem goes, I fall back into those self-destructive coping mechanisms that I've been using for 30-odd years.
Then I get frustrated because I really do know better!
The fact is, I am what I am. I can change my behaviors and, to a certain extent, my emotional reaction to the world around me. But I can't change who I am and I don't want to! None of us should want to change that unique and beautiful something that makes us individuals! The hardest thing for me in this great war that I'm waging against this ugly disease is being able to accept me for me. Frustrating emotions and all!
Of course, that's probably what it boils down to for most of us............
So I'll boost my self-esteem back up onto that ledge (hopefully sooner rather than later) and continue on fighting the good fight. And maybe if I'm lucky, I'll end up stronger for the climb.

Oh, What Songs of the Heart

Wow, what a crazy summer it's been so far. Graeme lost a tooth, Kai's starting potty training, Chloe's been in softball and opera camp, we've planted grass and a jungle of weeds, I mean a garden, we've harvested strawberries, spinach, radishes, peas, raspberries, green beans and are anxiously awaiting green peppers, eggplants, cabbage, broccoli, pumpkins, corn and more green beans, we did a paper route for a month, the boys are going to start swimming lessons soon, I've had tremendous success at the gardener's market so I've spent a considerable amount of time cutting, sewing and crocheting and I've been attempting to build an emergency food supply.
I've also mostly managed to keep up with visiting teaching and I got to help hem pants for the temple. And, incidentally, we've managed to keep everyone reasonably healthy, groomed and fed (in that order).
Needless to say, the house isn't the cleanest it's ever been, there are numerous unfinished projects and nobody's ready for school (starts Aug. 21st). But I'm happy.
For those of you who are following my battle with Borderline Personality Disorder, I'm happy to say that I'm currently winning. I've just about finished a book I bought that's teaching me new skills (BPD generally manifests as inappropriate coping skills) and I've been taking an anti-depressant. Deciding to take the medicine was a really tough choice because it's not something I ever wanted to do, but when I started learning new skills I realized how wonderful it was to not be drowning in my own guilt all the time. However, learning these new skills is extremely difficult and takes time so I got some help.
Now I love my life again. I have hard, emotional times still, but I laugh more than I cry and my children are once more endearing and humorous instead of overwhelming. I feel level and in control most of the time. By identifying and accepting what's going on in my crazy head, I can stand up straight and face each new day with hope and joy.
It sounds corny to say it, but I've always had a heart full of music; now that music is good again. As I was choosing the August hymns I came across an old favorite and even though it's talking about meeting with loved ones beyond this life, it really does express the way I'm feeling. Especially the third verse:
Oh, the visions we'll see in that home of the blest,
There's no word, there's no thought can impart,
But our rapture will be all the soul can attest,
In the heavenly songs of the heart;
But our rapture will be in the vision we'll see
Best expressed in the songs of the heart.
(Oh, What Songs of the Heart; hymns no. 286)
I wish I could put into words how much better I'm feeling here in my home of the blest, but I guess my rapture is best expressed in the songs of my heart.