She's okay!

This won't be a surprise to anybody but me, but Chloe survived her ski trip. Not only did she survive it, but she had a fantastic time. She even went on the chair lift! 5 times! No broken bones, no pneumonia, she got a little carsick on the bus ride home but that's about it.

Saying that I was relieved to see her smiling face is a vast understatement. I literally made myself sick worrying yesterday morning. (Remember; BPD, constant drama) I hope it's easier next year!

Today I am most grateful for:

Attentive bus drivers

Good staff at the resort

and No avalanches

I don't think I'm quite ready to be grateful that Chloe had this opportunity. Maybe next year.

Skiing

My baby girl went skiing with her classmates today. She's never been skiing before! Now, I realize that she's almost 10 years old, which is one of the reasons I didn't go with her, but I have to admit that I'm pretty freaked out by the whole thing. What if she gets lost? What if she breaks her leg? What if some monster takes her? What if she has a meltdown? What if she's sick and I didn't notice before she left and it develops into pneumonia?

My head hurts.

Little Things

A couple of nights ago while we were getting the kids ready for bed, we were watching a show about skunks on PBS. There was a man on the show who runs a refuge for skunks (he apparently can't smell the skunk stink which is why he got into the skunk business). Anyway, this guy rescued four baby orphan skunks and raised them. At the end of the show he released them back into the wild.

When this happened, I realized that Graeme was becoming very agitated. I asked him what was wrong and found out that he was upset because the skunks were going to be alone. I reassured him that they were wild animals and they would be just fine but he became more and more upset until he was crying for these poor baby skunks. What a tender heart!

A little while later I was trying to get Kai in the tub and he and Graeme decided that they both needed to use the potty at the same time. The usual screaming, pushing and crying ensued but when I rushed into the bathroom (to prevent bodily harm), I discovered that Graeme had convinced Kai they could go at the same time. So there they both were, in their birthday suits, peeing to their hearts' content. I laughed so hard I cried. Kai later told me (very proudly) that they made an X. The best part is that now Kai is trying to convince Chloe that the two of them can pee at the same time! As much as Chloe always wants to join in on anything, I somehow doubt that this is going to happen.

Finally, Kai was having mini corn dogs for lunch a few days ago. He was making rocket-like noises and flying the corn dogs into his mouth so I asked him if the corn dogs were rockets. He got that funny look on his face, the one that says: "I'm doing something I think is hilarious and I don't really want to share it with you" and told me the corn dogs weren't rockets. "Well what are they, then?" I asked. "They're bombs!" he said, and started laughing and making bomb explosion noises. What a goofball!

I guess it's these everyday little things that really make this life worth living after all.

Open for business

Well, after a year or so of trying, I finally have a store on the Internet.

You can go to: http://www.littlebrightboat.com/ or http://www.littlebrightboat.etsy.com/

The store is on a website called etsy.com which is kind of like ebay except people can only sell antique, crafting supplies, or handmade items. You do need to create an account to buy anything from anybody, but the accounts are free and easy to do. So we're bombarding all of our friends and relatives with invites to go check it out.

Hope to see you there!

Happy Birthday, Dad!

My dad's birthday was two days ago. He has had a profound impact on many lives; especially mine. He's not perfect, no one is, but he's always been my number 1 best dad. Here are a few of the things I've picked up from him over the years:

Drive on the top half of your gas tank

Check your oil

If WD-40 can't fix it, duct tape can

Making peace is more important than being right

Serve others

Work hard

Trees are for climbing

Support your leaders and don't turn down callings

Live within your means

Family comes first

Shovel snow and keep your cars clean

Be kind

There are many more, of course, but the most important thing I learned from my dad is that I'm special and he loves me.

I love you too, Dad.

No, I'm Kind Of Not

A couple of nights ago, Kai woke us up screaming hysterically at 1 am. This is not a terribly unusual occurence; he gets awful leg aches regularly in the middle of the night. Anyway, there I was, rubbing his legs and whispering over and over: "Shhh, you're okay" when I realized that he was whispering something too. So I leaned in close and heard: "No, I'm kind of not".

Well, that got me to thinking about the way I've been reacting to life lately. As a mother, when one of my kids is screaming hysterically and it's the middle of the night, I tend to be pretty unsympathetic. I know from experience that as soon as the Tylenol kicks in the child will be fine and I'll be able to go back to bed, so it's hard for me to remember that the child doesn't have my perspective. All that was real for Kai at that moment was the pain and that pain was making him "kind of not" okay.

I realized that it's necessary for children to have parents with more experience and a wider perspective than they have. That's part of our purpose as parents here on earth. But what about the parents? I looked deep inside myself and heard that same little whisper: "No, I'm kind of not" okay. I'm mired in the daily struggle to care for myself and my family and that's what's real to me at this moment; I have no eternal perspective.

Fortunately, as I heard my own whisper, I heard another; just as soft but much more compassionate and persistent: "Shhh, you're okay"and I discovered that no matter how many times I say I'm not okay my Heavenly Father will be there reassuring me that I am. I feel so much better knowing that even though this moment is all-consuming, I can trust my Father's eternal perspective and have faith that I am actually okay.

So, just for today, I am most grateful for:

Kai's leg aches in the middle of the night

faith

and perspective.

Yes, I kind of am okay.

I Spoke Too Soon, Of Course

First, Kai had a major accident in his pants today and he hasn't gone on the potty even once. Sigh.

Second, my medical experiences. I received a rather discouraging phone call from the new doctor's office yesterday. My blood test came back in the normal range which means that the doctor isn't interested in changing my dose of synthetic thyroid hormone. The nurse told me something along these lines: "In these cases, we treat according to the blood test results and not according to the symptoms." As a result, yesterday was not a good day for me. She might as well have said: "For the rest of your life, no matter how much you exercise and eat right, you can plan on a steady (significant) weight gain with all of the obesity related health risks, constant pain, reduced mental functioning, increasing cholesterol levels, cold intolerance, chronic dry skin, irritability, insomnia, fatigue and debilitating depression. Oh, and don't plan on any support from doctors or society because in our eyes, all your problems are the direct result of your own stupidity and laziness." Like I said, not a good day.

So today I did a little more research and found out a number of interesting things. Apparently I was hallucinating when I thought my dose was higher. According to the pharmacy they don't make my medication in that dose. Now I feel even more stupid than I did before. I also discovered that doctors test for the level of the Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (TSH) not the actual hormones produced by the thyroid. This doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me since the medication that I take is a replacement for the hormones that the thyroid is supposed to be producing. I mean, I realize that if the TSH is high, that means the thyroid isn't functioning properly and the body is attempting to stimulate it, but that seems like a really backwards way to go about finding the problem. Finally, I discovered that calcium supplements and a high-fiber diet can interfere with the absorption of the thyroid replacement medication.
I don't know. I just don't know what to do.

I do think that, feeling the way that I do at this moment, I need to find some things to be grateful for. So, today I am most grateful for:
Enough money in the bank to take the van to the shop
The giant box of diapers that I just bought at Sam's Club
and
A husband who's willing to make a doctor's appointment for me because my self-esteem is so low that I can't do it myself.

By Jove, I think he's got it!

Since that last post was a tad negative, I figured I'd post something positive.

I think (I hope) that Kai's finally into this whole potty training thing. He's worn underpants for several days and hasn't had any accidents. Last night, he came running upstairs all by himself and pooped on the potty. Hooray!

It's hard to believe he was ever this little!

So today I'm most grateful for:

flush toilets

the Wii (fantastic potty reward!)

and my thick hair; if it wasn't so thick I'd be bald already thanks to that stupid doctor. Ugh!

So Mad I Could Spit!

This is going to be a good long rant, so feel free to skip it if you want.
I know that I overreact to everything; with Borderline Personality Disorder, drama is the name of the game. What people need to understand is that BPD individuals are drowning in emotion all the time. Every emotion that I experience is accompanied by a secondary emotion (usually guilt) and the underlying worry that every person in my life is suddenly going to abandon me. Being overweight doesn't help.
About three years ago, before I discovered my BPD, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, which is just a fantastic illness where the thyroid stops functioning or functions below where it should. When my thyroid broke, I put on 20 pounds (in a month), my hair began falling out, I developed a lovely lump on the back of my neck, I was exhausted to the point of physical pain, I was cold all the time and my emotions were so out of control that I thought I had gone insane. Not a happy time, but I found a doctor and got on medication that returned me to normal (more or less).
When we moved here two years ago, I found a new doctor. Now, keep in mind that my life is dominated by BPD. Every time I went to this doctor, she made it clear to me that if I would just lose weight I wouldn't have any medical problems. She also put me on an anti-depressant that has sugar craving as a common side effect. Because, apparently, I'm not just fat, I'm stupid and lazy also. She clearly wasn't doing wonders for my self-esteem and lately I've been having those thyroid symptoms again so I decided to go to another doctor.
My appointment was yesterday. Before I went, I checked my dosage amount (thyroid medication) and discovered that back in October, my doctor had lowered my dosage significantly. Did I mention that she didn't discuss this with me? Now, I know that I should have checked it myself when I refilled at the pharmacy, but a word of warning from the doctor would have been nice. I can't help but wonder what she thought was going to happen! I've put on another 10 pounds in the last three weeks (after starting an exercise program) and my emotions have been all over the place. I wish she could understand what she's done to me!! So mad I could spit!!!!!!

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What a wicked, wicked thing! I've been avoiding it for months but I finally caved and now I can't stop. Help me.........