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Wednesday, February 4, 2009

So Mad I Could Spit!

This is going to be a good long rant, so feel free to skip it if you want.
I know that I overreact to everything; with Borderline Personality Disorder, drama is the name of the game. What people need to understand is that BPD individuals are drowning in emotion all the time. Every emotion that I experience is accompanied by a secondary emotion (usually guilt) and the underlying worry that every person in my life is suddenly going to abandon me. Being overweight doesn't help.
About three years ago, before I discovered my BPD, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, which is just a fantastic illness where the thyroid stops functioning or functions below where it should. When my thyroid broke, I put on 20 pounds (in a month), my hair began falling out, I developed a lovely lump on the back of my neck, I was exhausted to the point of physical pain, I was cold all the time and my emotions were so out of control that I thought I had gone insane. Not a happy time, but I found a doctor and got on medication that returned me to normal (more or less).
When we moved here two years ago, I found a new doctor. Now, keep in mind that my life is dominated by BPD. Every time I went to this doctor, she made it clear to me that if I would just lose weight I wouldn't have any medical problems. She also put me on an anti-depressant that has sugar craving as a common side effect. Because, apparently, I'm not just fat, I'm stupid and lazy also. She clearly wasn't doing wonders for my self-esteem and lately I've been having those thyroid symptoms again so I decided to go to another doctor.
My appointment was yesterday. Before I went, I checked my dosage amount (thyroid medication) and discovered that back in October, my doctor had lowered my dosage significantly. Did I mention that she didn't discuss this with me? Now, I know that I should have checked it myself when I refilled at the pharmacy, but a word of warning from the doctor would have been nice. I can't help but wonder what she thought was going to happen! I've put on another 10 pounds in the last three weeks (after starting an exercise program) and my emotions have been all over the place. I wish she could understand what she's done to me!! So mad I could spit!!!!!!


Sissamom said...

WOW! I would be spitting too! Have you found another dr? This woman should not be in practice. yuck! I hope you start feeling better soon.

Rachael said...

Ugh!!! I am so sorry! There's nothing like feeling so out of control and completely helpless. I wish there was something I could do for you!!!