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Thursday, April 22, 2010

The Roller Coaster Ride

I'm feeling so frustrated that I just want to scream!

It's been about 11 months since I started on my weight loss journey and instead of being a smooth and easy ride, it's been a roller coaster of emotional losses and gains. The plan was to exercise and modify my diet, thus losing a steady 10 pounds a month. By now, I was supposed to be down 110 pounds with only 40 to go. Instead, I'm down 41 pounds with 109 to go. I can't believe how hard this is!

I started last May at 290 pounds, a number that still shocks me. I lost consistently until November (the holidays, ugh!) when I weighed in at 248 and went into a holding pattern until January. I lost 6 pounds in January and then illness and cold weather ganged up on me and I put on 20 pounds between the end of January and the end of March. That was the worst I've felt about myself since last May when I started all this. At that point I decided to change my strategy just a little and weigh myself once a week instead of once a month. That seemed to help since I lost twelve pounds the first week of April and another four the second week.

But yesterday I weighed myself again and was back up four pounds to 249.

I just don't know how to handle this anymore. I should be feeling happy that I've lost 40 pounds, that's a big deal! But all I can think about is the fact that I'm still huge! I want to be under 200 pounds so bad that it's hard to even think about anything else! I'm just so tired all the time. Losing weight is supposed to make you stronger and give you energy, but I just feel crappy. I feel weak and tired. And, as I lose weight, my periods are getting worse. Lots of pain and bleeding and bloating and cravings. I put on 10 pounds every four weeks as a direct result of my stupid hormonal cycle. I lose it (mostly) afterwards, but it takes a few days and exercising before, during, and after that time of the month is extremely difficult.

I don't know. I'm just so tired of fighting my food addiction, painful knees, exhaustion, guilt because I spend so much time exercising instead of paying attention to my kids and disappointment in the lack of results. I'm starting to feel like weighing less than 200 pounds is an unattainable goal for me. I want to give up, but the consequences of giving up are much too serious. What does the future look like for me and my family if I give up on this now?

This isn't a very fun roller coaster ride.

5 comments:

Sara said...

Don't give up. I am so sorry it's so hard. I'm having the same ups and downs with my weight loss. It was so reaffirming to hear that your having some of the same struggles I am - the periods getting worse thing has about pushed me over the edge. I'm supposed to be getting healthier, duh!

It always seems to get better for me in the summer, more fresh healthy foods around and more sunshine and being outside help me.

We should get together to talk sometime. I'm so excited for summer (hiking, biking). Maybe we can do the wind caves for old times sake? (I have some great pictures of a night hike there...)

sues2u2 said...

I'm so, so sorry. I love you.

Pat said...

I share your frustration. But know you are always loved much!

Love ya,
Mom

Rebecca said...

:( I hear you.

Dutson House Happenings said...

I feel your pain, being under 200 would be fantastic, but for myself while I don't have time to exercise I feel like it is out of reach.

I think you're doing great! Keep up the good work :)