Just Breathe

Croup is a horrible, scary childhood illness that I knew nothing about until this morning at about 4.  It is my new least favorite nasty little virus.

I've heard the phrase "croupy cough" my whole life but that in no way prepared me for the overwhelming terror I felt at 2:30 this morning as I sat on the bathroom floor with Kai in my lap coughing, wheezing and gasping for air.  This was far beyond my meager 12 years of parenting experience.  He's had a fever for a couple of days but no other symptoms, not even congestion.

We tried giving him some albuterol and it did nothing.  FYI, croup is a viral infection of the throat and albuterol is designed to open restricted bronchial airways.  Who knew?  Anyway, Brian rushed him to the ER where they diagnosed it as croup and gave him a steroid which almost immediately returned his breathing to almost normal.

I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am for modern medicine and for doctors and nurses willing to work all night.  And Brian's going to give Kai a blessing tonight.  Good thing, too, otherwise I'm not sure I'll be able to put him to bed.

5k Friday and Where does happiness really come from?

I went to the gym this morning, bright and early and had a great workout.  I did four miles total so I feel really good about that.  I haven't been super diligent about going to the gym for the last few weeks so every effort I make to go is a good one in my book.

On a related subject, where does happiness really come from?  A couple days ago I was watching The Biggest Loser (which is normally a show I very much enjoy) and I was shocked and disappointed at what I was seeing and hearing.  On this particular episode they had brought back three former Biggest Loser contestants to help and motivate the current batch of Biggest Losers.  Which I think is great.  The problem came when Bob (one of the trainers) started making a bunch of comments about how this one former contestant was such a mess when she was on the show and how now she's so thin and beautiful and happy.  Then several of the current contestants started talking about how they had never before been truly happy (they were always faking it) and how great it was going to be when they were thin and "beautiful" and happy.   As if true happiness comes from being skinny and as long as a person is fat, true happiness is completely unattainable.

I don't know about you, but I couldn't disagree more with that particular sentiment.  As it happens, I know skinny people who are unhappy most of the time and I know fat people who are happy most of the time.  When I was a Junior in High School I was incredibly thin and unhappy most of the time.  When I was a missionary I was a normal weight and happy more often than not.  Now I'm obese and even though I have bad days and even weeks, my happiness runs deep and is never far from me.  I believe that happiness is a state of mind, not a state of body.  My fat doesn't make me sad, it's my inability to accept my body just the way it is that sometimes takes my mind off my happiness.  I believe true happines is a complex thing and wells up from a number of sources.  Faith, obedience to God, gratitude and service are key.  Time and experience factor in.  Good relationships and plenty of human contact, accomplishments and stress management and yes, even exercise and healthy eating help but being thin and "beautiful" are a passing part of this existence and NEVER bring true and lasting happiness.

So, to put my money where my mouth is, here are my top ten reasons why I love my body just the way it is:

10:  I have great hair and nails.  My hair is strong, soft and thick and my nails are also strong and grow like weeds :)
9:  Everything (mostly) works exactly the way it's supposed to!  My body is a marvel of biological engineering capable of fixing and reproducing itself with only fairly minor assistance.  Honestly, brilliant people study the human body their whole lives and still don't know everything there is to know about it.  And I have one of my very own!
8:  I'm tall.  Okay, I struggle with this one because it's really hard to find pants that fit properly (apparently only short girls are fat) but I am starting to discover that being tall commands respect so I'm really trying to own it.
7:  I have FIERCE curves.  I look like a woman and no one will EVER mistake me for an adolescent boy!
6:  Unlike my children, my body always does exactly what I ask it to do.  Even when it can't it at least tries.
5:  I am strong.  I mean REALLY strong.  You try carrying around 100 extra pounds everywhere you go and see how long you last.
4:  I have beautiful and capable hands.
3:  My body does everything it can to protect me.  It stores fat just in case a famine comes along, it entertains me, it transports me places, it warns me when I'm doing something dangerous, it even lets me know when something is wrong.  My body takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!
2:  My body is loaded with talents, skills and creativity.  I am beautiful and unique inside and out.
1:  But here's the most important one:  my body is a symbol of God's love for me.  He offered me this body and this human experience and I made the right choice and accepted it.  How great is that?  And if I choose to dislike even one small bit of this priceless gift from a loving Father in Heaven what am I saying to Him?

Let's face it, I will probably never be thin and "beautiful" again.  But are those things really necessary for me to be happy?  I don't think so.

A walk

This morning I went for a walk.

I saw color: green, brown, a touch of red, one whole tree with leaves yellow like the sun.  I saw flowers, grass, bushes and trees moving in the wind.  I saw the mountains solid and unmoving.  I saw rocks and grasshoppers and houses and dogs and cows.  I saw beautiful things.

I heard my footsteps.  I heard the wind moving through the leaves and grass and past my ears.  I heard insects and dogs and children and cars.  I heard beautiful things.

I smelled Fall.  I smelled grass and trees and dirt.  I smelled cows and hay.  I smelled the canyon on the wind and the coolness that is no longer Summer and is not quite Winter.  I smelled beautiful things.

I felt my legs moving and my heart beating.  I felt the sun on my face and the wind pushing and tugging at me.  I felt beautiful things.

Now I feel my Father's love in all this beauty trying to break through the ugliness that is living inside me.  I hope it succeeds.

Prove Me

About a month ago life was very good.  I was feeling good about myself, my life, my faith, my calling.  I was listening to an album that a good friend gave me last Christmas (The Collection, Hilary Weeks) and one of the songs just jumped out at me.  It's called "Prove Me" and this is how it starts:

A fearless heart
Unwavering faith
The kind of courage and conviction
That it takes
To leave your home behind
Or part the Red Sea
I wonder
Did God plant that kind of strength in me?
Just a seed now, but maybe it will grow

She goes on to ask God to refine and test her until all her flaws and earthly imperfections are washed away and her will turns to Him.  She ends the song with:

Until I trust without hesitation
When humility has chased away the pride
Until the day through Your grace
I'm welcomed home
Until then
Prove me

At the time I thought, as I have many times before, how great it would be to be that faithful.  But this time, deep in my heart, I finally spoke those quiet words: "prove me".  The response to my timid request was swift and unexpected.  I was presented with a situation that has brought me to my knees and more.  Several times I've hit rock bottom.  I've felt like I had taken all I was capable of taking and I simply couldn't go on.  Each time, as I considered giving up, I again heard that voice, my voice, deep in my heart: "prove me" and I got up and went on.

I'll admit, I haven't handled this well.  I haven't put my trust in my Heavenly Father without hesitation and my pride is big and ugly and ever-present.  I hang onto my flaws and earthly imperfections and my will is all over the place.  But I haven't given up.  Right now, I feel like the kid whose Little League coach is visiting him in the hospital after a big game.  The coach says: "you got hurt pretty bad, are you okay?"  "Yeah, coach.  I'm okay but I sure made some stupid mistakes."  "Well then, let's talk about it and see if we can figure out how to fix those mistakes next time."  I'm wounded and hurting but boy am I glad He's willing to help me and give me all the next times I need.  I'm bracing myself because here it comes again:

prove me.