Little Bright Boat

This isn't paradise, but I can see it from here......

2012-01-25T09:41:00.000-08:00

...is a common joke around our house and, I'm guessing, around our city because there is a town named "Paradise" just a few miles down the road.

But today "paradise" isn't a town, it's a state of mind.

Skiing with Chloe yesterday was so very good. The sun was shining, it wasn't too warm or too cold, the snow was fresh (not icy) and we tried a bunch of new runs. We got on and off the lifts perfectly every time (okay, the chair hit my butt a couple of times but at least I didn't fall down!) I skiied all day and I'm not even suffering too much today! The sunshine boosted my mood and my success on new runs boosted my self-confidence.

I can see "paradise" today :)

Dear Grandma

2012-01-22T17:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Grandma,

Today is your birthday. As you know, you would have been 95 years old. It's only been a few weeks but I'm having a hard time moving on.

I know you were ready to go, you've been talking about dying for many years, but I never really believed you and I certainly wasn't ready for you to go. It happened so fast. I'm sorry I wasn't there at the end. I could have been. I'm sorry I didn't call or come visit more often.

You gave me so much. Did you know I notice the way the carpet looks after I vacuum? I can't stand footprints on it :) I love to sew and I'm reasonably good at it. I'm a perfectionist and very independent.

Life was hard for you. I know you fought for everything you had and everything you were even though sometimes you didn't have to. It was just the way you were. You thrived on the challenges that life presented you. You were so very social. I knew you best these last few years when you were softened by age and suffering but your spirit still burned within. You were strong and amazing and fierce and I miss you.

Happy Birthday.

5k Friday and Gingerbread houses

2011-12-09T09:05:00.000-08:00

This morning I went to the gym and actually jogged my 5k. I'm very happy with myself :)

Last night we went to Pack Meeting and watched the kids make gingerbread houses. Even Chloe pulled herself out of bed and went.

Brian jumped in and helped a little.

Graeme had a plan, if I didn't know better I'd swear he had blueprints hidden somewhere. He was very focused!

Almost done!

All the way done!

This is Chloe's house after the tremendous candy rainstorm that came through.

Kai thinks tall.

And this is Graeme's ski lodge.

This is all three houses all the way finished. Left to right: Kai's, Graeme's Chloe's.

It was good big fun and everybody's at school today. Hooray!

I am a Christian

2011-12-05T13:11:00.000-08:00

I had kind of a shock yesterday in Primary. We were discussing the political atmosphere in Jerusalem and the surrounding areas in ancient times (you know, Jews vs Christians) and one of my students looked at me and said:

"Well, we're not christians, we're Mormons."

Immediately all the other kids joined in with similar comments. I was really, really surprised! We've spent this whole last year studying the New Testament, learning the teachings of Jesus Christ! Plus, one of these kids has a dad in the Bishopric, one of them has a dad in the High Priest Group leadership, one of them has a mom in the Relief Society Presidency and they all come from strong, faithful families. No wonder the world doesn't consider us christians, our own children don't consider themselves christians!

It made me wonder: do my children know? You can bet we'll be having this discussion in FHE tonight!

But for the record, I belong to the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints, sometimes referred to as the "Mormons". I believe that JESUS CHRIST lived on this earth, died and was resurrected. I believe that JESUS CHRIST is the Son of God who atoned for my sins. I believe that JESUS CHRIST is the Savior of the world and is my own, personal Savior. In short,

I AM A CHRISTIAN.

Walkin' on Sunshine

2011-10-25T13:34:00.000-07:00

Well, it only took me 9 years, but I've finally figured out why Graeme is the way he is. Why he's always moving and has a hard time paying attention.

No, he doesn't have ADHD and he's not stupid. In fact, he's very smart. You know that song, Walkin' on Sunshine? Well, I think Graeme's heart beats to that song. I think it's woven into his very soul. His little body quivers with it. And it REALLY explains his behavior. Oh well, I can certainly think of worse things to drive a person :)

5k Friday

2011-10-21T21:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'll confess. There was no 5k today. I'm sick. Not nearly as sick as Graeme and Kai so it's not much of an excuse, but there it is. The boys are getting better, the van is fixed and the grocery shopping's done for another week so I'm going to call it good and try not to think about the cat's limp, the car's flat tire and the fact that I'm sick.

Just Breathe

2011-10-17T13:32:00.000-07:00

Croup is a horrible, scary childhood illness that I knew nothing about until this morning at about 4. It is my new least favorite nasty little virus.

I've heard the phrase "croupy cough" my whole life but that in no way prepared me for the overwhelming terror I felt at 2:30 this morning as I sat on the bathroom floor with Kai in my lap coughing, wheezing and gasping for air. This was far beyond my meager 12 years of parenting experience. He's had a fever for a couple of days but no other symptoms, not even congestion.

We tried giving him some albuterol and it did nothing. FYI, croup is a viral infection of the throat and albuterol is designed to open restricted bronchial airways. Who knew? Anyway, Brian rushed him to the ER where they diagnosed it as croup and gave him a steroid which almost immediately returned his breathing to almost normal.

I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am for modern medicine and for doctors and nurses willing to work all night. And Brian's going to give Kai a blessing tonight. Good thing, too, otherwise I'm not sure I'll be able to put him to bed.

5k Friday and Where does happiness really come from?

2011-10-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

I went to the gym this morning, bright and early and had a great workout. I did four miles total so I feel really good about that. I haven't been super diligent about going to the gym for the last few weeks so every effort I make to go is a good one in my book.

On a related subject, where does happiness really come from? A couple days ago I was watching The Biggest Loser (which is normally a show I very much enjoy) and I was shocked and disappointed at what I was seeing and hearing. On this particular episode they had brought back three former Biggest Loser contestants to help and motivate the current batch of Biggest Losers. Which I think is great. The problem came when Bob (one of the trainers) started making a bunch of comments about how this one former contestant was such a mess when she was on the show and how now she's so thin and beautiful and happy. Then several of the current contestants started talking about how they had never before been truly happy (they were always faking it) and how great it was going to be when they were thin and "beautiful" and happy. As if true happiness comes from being skinny and as long as a person is fat, true happiness is completely unattainable.

I don't know about you, but I couldn't disagree more with that particular sentiment. As it happens, I know skinny people who are unhappy most of the time and I know fat people who are happy most of the time. When I was a Junior in High School I was incredibly thin and unhappy most of the time. When I was a missionary I was a normal weight and happy more often than not. Now I'm obese and even though I have bad days and even weeks, my happiness runs deep and is never far from me. I believe that happiness is a state of mind, not a state of body. My fat doesn't make me sad, it's my inability to accept my body just the way it is that sometimes takes my mind off my happiness. I believe true happines is a complex thing and wells up from a number of sources. Faith, obedience to God, gratitude and service are key. Time and experience factor in. Good relationships and plenty of human contact, accomplishments and stress management and yes, even exercise and healthy eating help but being thin and "beautiful" are a passing part of this existence and NEVER bring true and lasting happiness.

So, to put my money where my mouth is, here are my top ten reasons why I love my body just the way it is:

10: I have great hair and nails. My hair is strong, soft and thick and my nails are also strong and grow like weeds :)
9: Everything (mostly) works exactly the way it's supposed to! My body is a marvel of biological engineering capable of fixing and reproducing itself with only fairly minor assistance. Honestly, brilliant people study the human body their whole lives and still don't know everything there is to know about it. And I have one of my very own!
8: I'm tall. Okay, I struggle with this one because it's really hard to find pants that fit properly (apparently only short girls are fat) but I am starting to discover that being tall commands respect so I'm really trying to own it.
7: I have FIERCE curves. I look like a woman and no one will EVER mistake me for an adolescent boy!
6: Unlike my children, my body always does exactly what I ask it to do. Even when it can't it at least tries.
5: I am strong. I mean REALLY strong. You try carrying around 100 extra pounds everywhere you go and see how long you last.
4: I have beautiful and capable hands.
3: My body does everything it can to protect me. It stores fat just in case a famine comes along, it entertains me, it transports me places, it warns me when I'm doing something dangerous, it even lets me know when something is wrong. My body takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!
2: My body is loaded with talents, skills and creativity. I am beautiful and unique inside and out.
1: But here's the most important one: my body is a symbol of God's love for me. He offered me this body and this human experience and I made the right choice and accepted it. How great is that? And if I choose to dislike even one small bit of this priceless gift from a loving Father in Heaven what am I saying to Him?

Let's face it, I will probably never be thin and "beautiful" again. But are those things really necessary for me to be happy? I don't think so.

A walk

2011-09-27T13:14:00.000-07:00

This morning I went for a walk.

I saw color: green, brown, a touch of red, one whole tree with leaves yellow like the sun. I saw flowers, grass, bushes and trees moving in the wind. I saw the mountains solid and unmoving. I saw rocks and grasshoppers and houses and dogs and cows. I saw beautiful things.

I heard my footsteps. I heard the wind moving through the leaves and grass and past my ears. I heard insects and dogs and children and cars. I heard beautiful things.

I smelled Fall. I smelled grass and trees and dirt. I smelled cows and hay. I smelled the canyon on the wind and the coolness that is no longer Summer and is not quite Winter. I smelled beautiful things.

I felt my legs moving and my heart beating. I felt the sun on my face and the wind pushing and tugging at me. I felt beautiful things.

Now I feel my Father's love in all this beauty trying to break through the ugliness that is living inside me. I hope it succeeds.

Prove Me

2011-09-19T11:00:00.000-07:00

About a month ago life was very good. I was feeling good about myself, my life, my faith, my calling. I was listening to an album that a good friend gave me last Christmas (The Collection, Hilary Weeks) and one of the songs just jumped out at me. It's called "Prove Me" and this is how it starts:

A fearless heart
Unwavering faith
The kind of courage and conviction
That it takes
To leave your home behind
Or part the Red Sea
I wonder
Did God plant that kind of strength in me?
Just a seed now, but maybe it will grow

She goes on to ask God to refine and test her until all her flaws and earthly imperfections are washed away and her will turns to Him. She ends the song with:

Until I trust without hesitation
When humility has chased away the pride
Until the day through Your grace
I'm welcomed home
Until then
Prove me

At the time I thought, as I have many times before, how great it would be to be that faithful. But this time, deep in my heart, I finally spoke those quiet words: "prove me". The response to my timid request was swift and unexpected. I was presented with a situation that has brought me to my knees and more. Several times I've hit rock bottom. I've felt like I had taken all I was capable of taking and I simply couldn't go on. Each time, as I considered giving up, I again heard that voice, my voice, deep in my heart: "prove me" and I got up and went on.

I'll admit, I haven't handled this well. I haven't put my trust in my Heavenly Father without hesitation and my pride is big and ugly and ever-present. I hang onto my flaws and earthly imperfections and my will is all over the place. But I haven't given up. Right now, I feel like the kid whose Little League coach is visiting him in the hospital after a big game. The coach says: "you got hurt pretty bad, are you okay?" "Yeah, coach. I'm okay but I sure made some stupid mistakes." "Well then, let's talk about it and see if we can figure out how to fix those mistakes next time." I'm wounded and hurting but boy am I glad He's willing to help me and give me all the next times I need. I'm bracing myself because here it comes again:

prove me.

5k Friday - on a Thursday

2011-07-21T16:24:00.000-07:00

I know it's not Friday, but I won't be able to do my 5k tomorrow so I did it today. It was very hard because I haven't done it for two weeks (various excuses) but I did it anyway. 4.2 treadmill miles and I jogged 3.1 of them. Hooray for me!

Beautiful garden

2011-07-05T12:03:00.000-07:00

Graeme and Kai and I spent a couple of days weeding while Chloe and Brian were at girls' camp. When they got back we finally planted corn and beans. So here's proof of what I did instead of doing my 5k on Friday. Oh, and the peas should be ready to start picking in a few days. Enjoy!

Holy wind, Batman!

2011-06-30T20:48:00.000-07:00

I was making lunch yesterday and suddenly Graeme started yelling: "Hey! our garbage can is blowing down the street!" I raced outside right into the full fury of a strong microburst. (It about took my shirt off, I hope the neighbor wasn't looking out his window!)

Sure enough, every recently emptied garbage and recycle can on the street was literally blowing away. My neighbor and I raced to grab as many as we could and a few of the older boys on the street took care of the rest. (We have such wonderful youth in our ward, they weren't even told to come help, they just noticed there was a problem and took care of it)

I got my hand smashed by a lid blowing closed but otherwise everybody was fine. Crazy, crazy.

5k Friday - a day late

2011-06-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

I meant to post yesterday and just never got around to it. Darn it!

Yesterday morning the boys and I were getting ready for the day and Graeme looked at me and said: "Mommy, you look much better now than before you started exercising." Awwww! That was all the motivation I needed to go exercise some more! So I went to the gym and ran my 5k. I jogged the whole thing! I ended up doing 5.2 miles so I feel good about that. And I gave in and bought some new clothes that aren't too big or worn out so all in all I'm feeling pretty good today :) My oldest sis did her 5k also. Anybody else?

Just the two of us

2011-06-22T15:13:00.000-07:00

Today's a big day. Graeme had scout camp and a baseball game, Chloe had school and a birthday party and Brian had work and a meeting this evening. So Kai and I took ourselves to Willow Park (Zoo) for a little fun.

Kai took this picture, he thought the pelican was the coolest thing ever. He didn't believe me that it was a pelican until we found the information sign confirming it. The only thing better (in Kai's mind) was the wallaby but it stopped hopping and laid down in the grass before I could get the camera out.

We had to feed the fishes and birds but it was hard convincing Kai to go one piece at a time, he wanted to throw the whole handful in at once! He's very six :)

The sno-cone stand opened while we were there so we got one to share. Yum! Blue raspberry flavored sugar water!

I kept trying to get a picture of him coming out of the slide but he was just too darn fast.

So I made him go back and sit there so I could take a picture!

Even though I only have three kids, one-on-one time with each of them is incredibly rare so I really cherish these special moments.

And now for something completely different......

2011-06-20T19:01:00.000-07:00

I just have to comment on the ludicrous nature of television programming today.

There's a new show on ABCFamily called "Switched at Birth". This is not a made-for-tv movie, it's a full-on series about two families who took home the wrong baby girls. Said girls are now teenagers and (apparently) just now finding out that they're not who they thought they were (insert dramatic music here).

Is it just me or is this a really stupid idea? I mean, sure there's all kinds of drama when everybody finds out, but then what do you do next week? "I'm sorry Sarah, you can't go to the prom after all. You were SWITCHED AT BIRTH!" Or how about this: "Oh, now I understand why our baby had somebody else's name on her hospital wristband! She was SWITCHED AT BIRTH!" Or even better: "I'm sorry, but you're not my real daughter. I'm going to stop paying for your expensive designer jeans because you were SWITCHED AT BIRTH!"

I may have to swear off TV for awhile until they get their collective act together :)

5k Friday

2011-06-17T21:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't been to the gym much in the past week (see the previous two posts :) but I went today and did my 5k. I only jogged 2.5 miles (because I was going to heave all over the skinny girl on the treadmill next to me, that's why!) but I ended up doing 4.1 miles total so I feel pretty good about the overall experience.

I'm still gunning for running a 5k in real life. I will succeed!

Bear Lake, Lagoon and Blessings

2011-06-16T11:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, end of pity party :)

Last weekend our kind neighbors gave us free tickets to Lagoon and it was our first opportunity of the year to go up to Bear Lake. Needless to say we did both! Here are some fun pictures in no particular order. As for the blessings part, my sister and her family who live in Arizona are safe and well. Their house is in the Monument fire zone and they were evacuated a couple of days ago. They were told that their house is undamaged but most of the surrounding houses are gone. Please pray for them and their neighbors.

Pity Party

2011-06-06T10:38:00.000-07:00

WARNING: I'm in a foul mood and feeling pretty sorry for myself right now so if you're happy and having a fantastic day, feel free to go look at something else :)

It's the first Monday of summer vacation and Brian's home sick from work so instead of sleeping in (like a normal person would have) I got up at 7am (okay, 7:05) and went to the gym where I beat the crap out of myself for over an hour. Chances are pretty good that I'll do the same thing the rest of this week. I just wish it was making a difference. I'm so tired of being fat and having no self-esteem to speak of that I can't hardly stand it. I'm trying so hard, why isn't it making a difference? Why can my neighbor who lost 30 pounds on the HCG diet (I've lost 40 the old-fashioned way) bring me a skirt that's "much too big" for her assuming that it will fit me? I don't want to be the "fat friend" anymore. I want to be the "skinny friend who runs marathons". You know?

5k Friday - Graeme edition

2011-06-03T12:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the last day of school. I was sitting in my car waiting for the kids and the song "Walking on Sunshine" came on the radio. Suddenly Graeme came out of the school (all the way on the other side of the playground), did a little leap of joy, and proceeded to dance from the school to my car. The best part was, he was completely in time with the song that I was listening to! It was such a happy, spontaneous thing that I just smiled the rest of the day.

So why does that matter? Because Graeme is 9 years old today and there have been countless little, joyful experiences like that in his life and I'm sure there will be countless more in the years to come. The question is: will I be around to enjoy them?

Today I have a gigantic list of things that need to be done but I took that hour and a half to go to the gym and run my 5k. I did it for Graeme. I didn't want to do it, I was tired and had other things to do, but I thought of Graeme's dance yesterday and how badly I want to be here for him as long as I possibly can. It seems counterintuitive to say that spending time away from my children is the best thing for them, but in this case it really is. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be thin, but I'm starting to realize that being as healthy as I possibly can is a much better goal.

So I went to the gym and jogged my 5k, walked another mile and lifted weights. For Graeme and all the other really important people in my life. Who matters to you? Who do you want to live for?

5K Friday

2011-05-27T08:19:00.000-07:00

I'm back, baby! And man does it feel good!

That's right, I went to the gym this morning and ran my 5k. In fact, I also walked before and after so I ended up doing 4.2 miles and I didn't feel like I was going to die! It's good to be healthy again :) Now I'm off to do my grocery shopping where I will walk another couple of miles. Hooray!

So what's your plan?

The Last One

2011-05-25T09:45:00.000-07:00

Kai's Kindergarten graduation was Monday night and I just don't know how I feel about it.

They were all adorable, of course.

They sang and did sign language and acted.

And while I'm excited to have all the kids in school all day next year........

I can't believe that this was our last Kindergarten graduation!

I feel so old :)

Wonderful Weekend

2011-05-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

I had a really great weekend! We cleaned the house for the first time in three weeks; a little embarassing that it had been that long, but what can you do. It stopped raining long enough on Saturday for me (and the rest of the neighborhood) to mow the lawn. Seriously, I think there were only two people in the whole neighborhood who didn't mow :)

The garden is coming up in spite of all the rain. We have onions, radishes, spinach, and ....

peas! Hooray!

The strawberries are even starting to flower. They should be fabulous this year, what with all the rain, if they can just outgrow the grass!

This is the kids' idea of a relaxing Sunday activity:

Kai says it's bigger on the inside than the outside. It probably is although it's pretty huge on the outside!

The best part is that I'm finally feeling better! I went to the gym this morning and did 5 miles between the elliptical and the treadmill. Hallelujah! I guess I just don't appreciate good health until I've been sick!

5k Friday

2011-05-20T15:55:00.000-07:00

I didn't make my 5k today, but in all fairness I've been sick as a dog since Sunday night. I did 2 miles grocery shopping so that'll have to do for now. Next week I'm back to my usual routine or else!

You know you're sick when......

2011-05-18T10:26:00.000-07:00

.......combing your hair means you have to sit down for a few minutes and wait for your head to stop spinning before you can do anything else.

Man, I haven't been this sick in a long, long time.

I found her

2011-05-16T10:18:00.000-07:00

Saturday was the worst and best day of my life.

We were so busy! Brian took me to market at 8am, then he ran home to take Graeme to his soccer game by 8:45. Meanwhile, a neighbor came and took Chloe to softball practice at 9. After the game and practice, there was a neighborhood cleanup scheduled and then Brian had to come back and get me at 1pm. Crazy, right? Well, we made it to market on time and I was doing my thing when the phone rang at about 10:30. It was Brian and he said:

"Chloe's not home and I can't find her."

I can't describe how I felt hearing those words. My heart stopped and I couldn't breathe. I think Brian was surprised by the visceral nature of my reaction. I was literally hysterical. All I could say was: "find her!" All the worst case scenerios were rushing through my brain. I couldn't see and my only coherent thought was that I had to get home and find her! The problem was that I didn't have a car. So did I ask a friend to run me home? Look for a bus stop? Call a cab? No, I called my Mom. Here I am, all grown up with kids of my own and what do I do in that moment of extreme stress? That's right, I turn back into a small child. Anyway, even though they live an hour away, Mom and Dad dropped everything and were going to come get me. I am so very grateful for that.

An agonizing half-hour later Brian called back and said:

"I found her."

The three most wonderful words in the world! It turns out she was still at softball practice, they were just in a different part of the park and Brian hadn't been able to see her before. The relief I felt was so intense, it took me more than an hour to stop crying. The people who stopped by my booth must've thought I was nuts! When I got home, I just hugged her and hugged her. Those moments when I thought she was lost were without a doubt the worst in my life and when she was found once more I was happier than I have ever been.

Here's the thing. I constantly tell my Primary class how important they are and how much God loves them (and I know that to be true) but until Saturday I'm not sure I really understood. As I was getting ready for church yesterday it hit me so hard I had to sit down. That overwhelming grief I felt when I thought Chloe was lost is just a fraction of what our Heavenly Father feels when any one of us is lost. We are His children and He loves us perfectly and eternally. I wonder how much more His joy is when a lost one is brought home? I'm sure the heavens ring with songs of rejoicing when those wonderful words come:

"I found her!"

5k Friday

2011-05-13T17:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm pretty sure that not even my mom is reading my blog anymore, but I'm going to give this a try anyway.

I have this goal. I want to run (not walk) a 5k in real life. It's not that far, only 3.1 miles, and I can do it on a treadmill pretty much anytime I want to. And I can walk it (in real life) anytime I want to, but I really, really want to run that whole 3.1 miles in real life.

So I've been going to the gym three times a week and doing other exercise at home two or three times a week and every Friday I run that 5k on the treadmill. And I guess it's getting a tiny bit easier :)

But here's the thing, in order to take that next step (jogging in real life) I need some moral support/competition. So if you're reading this, I want you to commit to do a 5k every Friday. You don't need to jog it; you can walk it, swim it, roller skate it, ride a bike (it) or even crawl it if that's what floats your boat. I don't care what you do all the other days, just do that 5k every Friday. Buy a cheap pedometer or drive out a route in your car or just time yourself (it takes me 40 minutes jogging, 45-50 minutes fast walking or just over an hour slow walking). You don't even have to do a specific route, I did 1.5 miles just grocery shopping today.

Anyway, once you've done your 5k, either leave a comment on this post, write a quick update on Facebook or email me (let me know if you need my email address).

Again, if anybody's reading this, please help me out. Thanks!

Perseverence

2011-05-02T16:22:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago Brian and I had the opportunity to go to Martin's Cove (Wyoming) and learn about the Willey and Martin handcart companies. I've heard pioneer stories my whole life but I was deeply moved to be in the place where those people suffered and sacrificed so much. And I've thought about them often since returning home. The words of the women, especially, speak to my soul and evoke tender feelings of love and admiration and gratitude and pride. They were women without peer.

I can't begin to express my gratitude that their trials are not my trials. I doubt that I will ever be required to walk from one side of this country to the other. I pray that I will never have to watch my children die from starvation and exposure. I hope to never face a blizzard, unprotected, in the vast Wyoming wilderness. So how did they survive? How did they live through trials of such magnitude?

As best I can tell, they just kept going. In the absolute, literal sense of the word, they persevered.

I have trials, and while they aren't pioneer trials they're pretty huge for me (no pun intended). Right now I'm trying to lose weight and I've been trying for two years. I'm down about 35 pounds with about 100 to go. I feel so discouraged because I'm giving it all I have; I can run a 5k on the treadmill whenever I want to but I can't seem to lose weight. So clearly I don't have pioneer trials but maybe I've got just a teeny bit of that pioneer spirit because surprisingly I'm not giving up. I've come too far and no stinking blizzard is going to turn me back now. I will persevere, I just wish I could persevere a little bit faster.

Easter

2011-04-26T10:08:00.000-07:00

We don't have church until 1pm and the sun came out for a few minutes so the kids got to color eggs...

and search for candy....

in their pajamas!

Here's my gorgeous daughter (when did she grow up so much?) in her new dress that her ultra-talented (and modest) mother made for her.

It's the first dress I've made for her without a tie in the back. She's so tiny that I had to cut off about 8 inches of fabric to get it to fit her this well. It kind of freaks me out how much older she looks in it, though :)

I didn't make the boys' clothes, but I think they both look handsome anyway.

I took them both to get haircuts so they're both mad at me for getting it cut so short. The way I see it, the shorter the hair the less often I have to pay for haircuts so when they start paying for their own haircuts they can choose how short it will be. (Although, as long as they live in my house it won't be below the collar!)

I love Easter, it renews my hope.

Braces

2011-03-23T13:56:00.000-07:00

Back when Chloe was about 3, she got a bad cavity and had to have a tooth pulled. The stupid dentist told us she didn't need a spacer so we didn't push for one. Needless to say, over time the tooth next to it moved and is now completely blocking the adult tooth which is trying to come in. So we had to put her in braces to fix the problem before it gets substantially worse. Yesterday was the big day. Here she is before her appointment.

They cleaned her teeth thoroughly and then "etched" them; a process I'm assuming helps the glue on the brackets to adhere better. And before you get concerned, I asked the orthodontic staff if I could put their pictures on my blog and they said "yes".

Thumbs up. She was still feeling pretty good at this point.

This first device they put in her mouth was way too big - I was a little irritated that they didn't start with something smaller because she has quite a small mouth. I believe this was the cause of her problems later in the day.

This device is a little smaller but it was still difficult to watch.

I was fascinated by the process they used to actually put the brackets on. They had a pre-made rubbery mold that had all the brackets embedded in it. They stuck that in her mouth and did the blue light thingy to cure the glue. Then they pulled out the rubbery stuff and voila! instant braces!

And the brackets they use don't need elastics so they told Chloe she could have some if she wants, but they're not necessary. She chose green, of course.

She did great through the whole thing. After she was done they gave her a nice hoodie sweatshirt and a bag of tooth care stuff. I took her to lunch and then back to school. After school I think it all caught up with her. She was in a tremendous amount of pain. It kind of scared me because she went all pale and couldn't even finish her homework (a first for Chloe!) She's a little better today and even went to the full day of school even though we offered to let her stay home. What a trooper!

What I learned in church

2011-03-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

The importance of having an eternal perspective. Here's an example:

There was once a wise man who had one acre of land, one horse, and one son.

One day his son was caring for the horse and left the gate open.

The horse escaped.

All of the wise man's friends and family came over to commiserate with him.

The wise man said: "Is what happened bad? Or is it good? I don't know."

His friends and family assured him that it was bad.

In a few days, the horse got thirsty and returned, bringing six wild horses with him.

The friends and family again returned, this time to celebrate the wise man's good fortune.

The wise man said: "Is what happened good? Or is it bad? I don't know."

The friends and family assured him that it was good.

The next day, his only son was working with one of the wild horses when the horse reared up

and broke the son's leg very badly.

Once again the wise man's friends and family came to let him know what a bad thing had happened.

"He is your only son," they said. "What will you do now?"

Being very wise and not swayed by the opinions of those around him, the wise man once again gave the same response:

"Is what happened bad? Or is it good? I don't know."

The following week the army came through the area and conscripted all the able-bodied young men.

They went off to war and were all killed.

Because of his broken leg, the wise man's son was not conscripted and remained at home, safe.

And the story goes on. The moral is: not all success is good and not all trials are bad. I just don't have the perspective to be able to always tell the difference.

"Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good...."

Doctrine and Covenants 90:24

A lull

2011-03-04T13:03:00.000-08:00

This morning I ran a 5k on the treadmill at the gym. All by myself. No walking and with only two very short rests to catch my breath. After doing 15 minutes on the elliptical. Me, 100 pounds overweight, asthmatic, severely depressed, very tired, me. No trainer or running partner or anything. It was really, really hard and I sat in the parking lot sobbing when I was done but I did it.

After that I went to Weight Watcher's and found out that I lost 2 pounds this week. Not a huge amount, but enough to keep me on the insurance weight loss program.

And last night Brian and I went to parent-teacher conference and found out that Graeme is doing better (behavior) in school. He and Kai both are at the top of their classes academically.

I guess sometimes the wind stops blowing for a few minutes and I realize that even though my windows were rattled and I lost a few shingles, my foundation is still strong.

Like the wind

2011-03-02T15:42:00.000-08:00

As I lay in bed last night listening to the wind blow, it suddenly struck me how the blowing of the wind was very similar to the challenges in my own life.

Last night, the wind came in great gusts, like the waves of the ocean. All was still and quiet and then I would hear the wind approach with a loud noise similar to that of an oncoming freight train. It would slam into the house, rattling the windows, tearing at the shingles and making the siding whistle and moan. I lay there, listening and wondering how much more the house could take and then it was gone and all was still and quiet until the next blast hit, seeming stronger and even more ferocious than the last.

A few weeks ago my cousin died. His death came at me with the noise of a freight train. It rattled my windows, tore at my shingles and made my siding whistle and moan. Before that blast was fully gone, Chloe turned twelve. Suddenly my baby girl has pierced ears and a Young Women's medallion.

And I can't seem to lose weight anymore even though I'm putting everything I've got into it.

Then there's Graeme.

My sweet, tender-hearted, darling boy is becoming angry and mean and is constantly in trouble at school.

With all of that, though, the most ferocious wind blowing at me right now is my Borderline Personality Disorder. I can't seem to get a handle on it and I feel like my roof is coming off and my walls are going to come crashing down. I desperately want to help others; to nurture and protect, but I can't deal with my own winds right now and I have nothing to give.

I wonder if this is how my house feels?

Skiing!

2011-02-05T21:56:00.000-08:00

We got a little crazy yesterday, took the day off and went skiing. It was good in so many ways! It was a nice break in the routine, the air was amazingly clean and fresh, we spent quality time together as a family, it was great exercise.....I could go on and on. The best part for me, though, was being able to keep up with everybody. We were there all day (10 to 4) and my hundred extra pounds didn't keep me from tearing up the slopes the whole time. It was a big ego boost and I feel much better about the whole crackers and frosting business :)

Here I am looking like a pro.

Here's Chloe without a care in the world.

Graeme, demonstrating proper racing technique. He wants to be on the ski patrol when he grows up because then he can go on whatever trail he wants. Also, he'll get paid to ski. More power to him, I say.

Kai crashed into some girl on his last run of the day so we didn't get any pictures of him on skis, but he sure had a fun time on this snow hill next to the lodge.

Here's Brian showing off his fabulous rental skis. Maybe when we win the lottery we'll buy our own skis. And ski resort. Hey, I can dream can't I?

Yesterday was just what I needed. I think doctors should start prescribing ski days instead of anti-depressants. How awesome would that be?

Today

2011-02-03T13:27:00.000-08:00

I went to the gym this morning instead of sitting on my bed eating graham crackers and frosting.

Before you congratulate me, you need to know that it was the hardest thing I've ever done and I almost didn't go. I've also been continuing to fight the cracker/frosting urge all day. Why is this still so hard? Every day I wake up with this raging hunger/need for crappy food that I have to battle all day. Even when I don't give in, I go to bed feeling defeated because I don't look any different and my clothes don't fit any differently and I don't feel any different. Well, that's not entirely true; I feel a little more defeated and a little closer to giving up.

I've been doing this for more than a year! When will my weakness become strength?

So freakin' cold!

2011-02-02T13:14:00.000-08:00

It was cold yesterday. Really cold. Then the wind blew all night. Here's what we woke up to (this is my kitchen window):

Yep, that's ice on the window. The INSIDE of the window.

A LOT of ice.

And here's a picture of our actual thermometer taken this morning (actually at 8:12 am) AFTER the sun came up to prove that I'm not just imagining things.

Of course, that's just the air temperature. The wind chill was 15 to 20 degrees colder than that. Needless to say, I refused to let Chloe and the neighbor boy walk to the bus stop at 6:30am but it was so ridiculously cold that the stupid van wouldn't start. The car started, but the gremlin who lives in the car killed the blower so INSIDE the car wasn't significantly warmer than OUTSIDE the car and it's a miracle I didn't hit some poor slob on my way to and from the bus stop since the windows were all frozen over. I'm also a little surprised that I managed to escape frostbite since my hands were so cold when I got home that they hurt.

The thing that REALLY chaps my hide is the fact that it's this UNBELIEVABLY cold and we HAVE NO SNOW. The rest of the country is LITERALLY BURIED and I have NAKED GRASS and a stupid FROZEN VAN BATTERY! Deep breaths. Six more weeks of winter? Just shoot me now!

Look what I did!

2011-01-29T14:28:00.000-08:00

A year or so ago, I got to help my neighbor do some minor sewing for a local music theater company. It was really fun and it turns out they kept my name and number because I got a call last week asking if I would be willing to help sew for the Music Man. I said yes! and just finished up this dress:

I'm very proud of myself because I only had a pattern to follow for about half of the dress. The other half was the lady who designed it telling me she wanted it "like this". Tremendously helpful, but I think it turned out really well.

Here's the back; you can't see it because of her pretty hair, but the zipper is fabulous!

I put in this picture to prove that the girl I made the dress for actually does like it!

In fact, she's going to be directing a production of Into the Woods in the fall (just a community group, I think) and she asked me to help sew for that show. I'm super excited! I love sewing and it thrills me when other people think I do a good job! I'm also very excited and a little surprised to realize how much progress I've made in the last two years. I knew how to do everything on this dress and it turned out exactly the way I expected it to. I'm a seamstress, who knew?

I didn't .....

2011-01-24T09:52:00.000-08:00

......do anything I severely regretted later. I caught up on my sleep and sent several lucid and well-thought out emails. I also reminded myself that Graeme's teachers are good people and are doing the best job they can. I will just keep standing up for my child and badgering, um gently nudging, his teachers into doing a better job.

It probably helped that I went to Weight Watchers Friday and found out that I've lost the 5 or 6 pounds I gained over the holidays plus one more. And I'm up to jogging 5 and 1/2 minutes (three times) in addition to the rest of my gym workout. The weight's not coming off fast, but I'm learning to accept that's the way it's got to be. Plus I'm feeling over all much healthier and that's never bad!

So very tired

2011-01-19T10:13:00.000-08:00

I'm exhausted. I'm pretty sure I was asleep before 11pm, but I woke up around 2:45am and couldn't go back to sleep. Not at all. I stayed in bed trying to sleep until 5:20 when I gave up and got up with Chloe.

I think the problem was the conversation I had with Graeme's teacher yesterday afternoon. It seems Graeme's acting up in class again (big surprise) and she just wanted to let me know. She was pretty sure part of the problem is some boys teasing him so she's been keeping a closer watch (apparently) and she considering moving Graeme farther away from one particular boy. Just out of curiousity I asked if she had called the other boy's mother. Here's the response: NO.

Then today I got another email from Graeme's other teacher complaining about his behavior in class. I have to admit, I'm not sure what she expects me to do. I'M NOT THERE. I'll talk to him (some more) but I just don't understand why she can't solve this problem herself. She's the teacher, she's there, I'M NOT. I would be willing to take more responsibility for his behavior except we've already been through this with Chloe. Four years of teachers at that school telling me what a horrible child she was and now that she's in a different school she's getting straight A's, her teachers love her and she loves school. What's changed? Hmmmmm.

I'm this close to doing something I will severely regret later.

Chloe's math project

2011-01-17T14:26:00.000-08:00

Back before the Christmas break, Chloe's math class was studying ratios so her teacher gave them an assignment to take a small object and make it big (using correct math, of course). Chloe chose to do a Laffy Taffy bar and has been working on it ever since. It was supposed to be due right after the break, but her teacher changed the due date to last Thursday and then changed it again so it's due tomorrow. Chloe's project is finally done and she worked really hard on it. If she doesn't get an A I'm going to have words with her teacher!

Here's Chloe with the original Laffy Taffy:

And here's Chloe's project:

Here are the two together:

Pretty impressive, eh?

Pinewood Derby

2011-01-14T14:38:00.000-08:00

Last night was Graeme's first ever Pinewood Derby. He and Brian worked very hard on his car and I think the final product was pretty darn impressive. Behold, the Triceracar!

I'm not sure what was most impressive, the frill and horns or the fact that it weighed exactly 5 ounces.

Graeme was certainly pleased with the final product.

Unfortunately, the Triceracar had more style than speed. I thought Graeme would be really upset when his car didn't win, but I think he just really enjoyed watching it go. He was very cute when they started giving out the awards; as they called names he became sadder and sadder because he thought he wasn't going to get any award. When they finally called his name his whole face lit up! He got a certificate for the "Best Use of Imagination" which he wants to frame and hang on his wall :)

After the Scouts had all raced, they let anybody else who had a car jump in and race. Chloe made a car last year that she brought. It's very pink.

Her car was very fast and she ended up beating everyone else!

The kids all had a great time, but we felt bad afterwards that Kai didn't have a car to race. Oh well, he'll be a Cub Scout too, one day!

Who You Are

2011-01-10T10:35:00.000-08:00

A surprising truth that I've learned recently is that I love my Primary calling. Those lessons aren't written for children, they're written for me. Yesterday we talked about our premortal life and how Jesus volunteered to be our Savior because he loves us so much. And even though I've known this all my life, it hit me: God is the father of my spirit! Jesus is my older brother! They both love me and KNOW me. I'm not just another face in a crowd of billions, I'm known and loved and I have a purpose and a part to play here on earth.

There's a song on the Hilary Weeks album that Angie gave me that just sums this up perfectly. It's called "Who You Are"

I know you wonder if you'll ever have a day

When the kids stay calm, the laundry's done and the dishes are put away

And sometimes you feel like your days are spent and gone

And the question running through your mind is what have I gotten done?

And when you finally have a moment to slow down

At the end of your day, I know Father would say

Believe in what you're doing

Believe in who you are

Hold tight to the truth that you're a daughter of God

Believe in who you're becoming

Believe in who you are

It may seem simple - all the little things you do

But the lives you touch matter so much

And there's no one else like you

And Father needs you to stand tall and faithful

To be all you can be

Oh, if you could see what He sees, you'd

Believe in what you're doing

Believe in who you are

Hold tight to the truth that you're a daughter of God

Believe in who you're becoming

Believe in who you are

When it's hard to believe in yourself

And you feel like you're beginning to doubt

Remember

He believes in what you're doing

He believes in who you are

Don't lose sight of the truth that you're a daughter of God

That He believes in who you're becoming

He believes in who you are

I believe.

Sue and company - #20

2011-01-08T12:59:00.000-08:00

Sue is my second-to-oldest sister so I thought she should be next. When I asked her if I could blog about her, she told me as long as I used old pictures it would be okay. As I was searching for some old pictures to use, I came across some of my mission pictures and had to put them in to prove that I was, in fact, once thin. Wasn't I cute?

Anyway, back to Sue. Sue is older than me, but I'm not exactly sure by how much. I think five years. I didn't really know her growing up because of the age difference but now she's one of my best friends. She has a great blog here. She lives in another state south of here which makes me very sad because I don't get to see her very often but we talk on the phone almost every day. Thank goodness for phones! She's married with two kids, here's her cute son:

And her equally cute daughter (she's the same age as Graeme):

Sue married an Air Force guy and has lived in many different places. When her son was born, they were living in Germany. She had a very difficult delivery and my poor nephew ended up in the NICU for several months. You'd never know it now, thank goodness. Now he's a healthy, active boy. I love and admire Sue. She's overcome many things in her life. I know, everybody has, but Sue is an exceptionally good example to me of what you can accomplish if you'll only put your mind to it.

I'm sad to say that I don't have any pictures of Sue's hubby that aren't recent with her in them so you'll just have to check out her blog to see him. Love ya, Sis!

Angie - #19

2011-01-06T14:19:00.000-08:00

I am going to finish this 38 posts thing if it kills me!

Angie is one of my visiting teachers and I can't begin to express my gratitude for her. Before Angie came along, I never had a visiting teacher who was consistent and who I felt was my friend. Don't get me wrong, I'm a horrible visiting teacher myself so I'm certainly not judging any of those previous visiting teachers. I just never really appreciated the program until Angie was assigned to me.

She lives down the street from me and we have some things in common (we both served our missions in Portugal for one) so we knew each other and were more or less friends before the whole visiting teaching thing. She owns a wedding decorating business and she works at a Dominoe's pizza place. She's also married and has five kids; her oldest daughter babysat my kids on occasion (Kai LOVES Ashlee!), her second oldest was in my Activity Days group, her son is the same age as Chloe and her second to youngest daughter has been in Chloe's Activity Days group. Needless to say, she's very busy but she still manages to make time to come visit or check on me at least once a month.

I'm just so impressed with Angie's kindness and patience. I've never seen her even come close to losing her temper with her children and she always has a positive thing to say in the midst of trials and tribulation. She's one of those people who help me to feel calm because there's a quiet stillness about her. She's a big believer in provident living so she cans and jams like a crazy woman. One time I complained to her about raspberries so she went home, picked a big bucketful and brought it to me with a jar of fresh jam. After listening to me whine and moan all year about various things, she bought me a CD for Christmas (Hilary Weeks) and took the time to write a long letter telling me how much she loves me and appreciates my friendship and how the songs on this album have helped her and she hopes they'll help me. Incidentally, I had never heard of Hilary Weeks, but it turns out I have heard at least one of her songs: "He Hears Me". I highly recommend it. And of course, Angie was right. In spite of my constant cynicism when it comes to LDS pop music, I love Hilary Weeks.

And I love Angie. I guess my last New Year's resolution is to be a better visiting teacher.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year (eventually)

2011-01-03T09:54:00.000-08:00

Well, by Christmas Kai and Chloe were still pretty sick puppies so we stayed home instead of visiting family. I was a little sad, but it was fun to stay in our jammies all day and through the miracle of opening presents nobody was grumpy the whole day! Hooray! And their fevers vanished a few short days later. Now if we could just get rid of the coughing and congestion....

Anyway, here are some pictures in completely random order. Enjoy!

These are the kids' new Sunday duds. I apologize for the pictures, I tried everything I could and they still keep publishing sideways. Oh well. I had to put them in, though, because I made Chloe's dress and it turned out fantastic! The dress itself is a pink Christmas plaid with a shiny gold thread running through it and the jacket is crushed velvet with sparkly sequins all over it. She loves it and I guess that's what's most important. But I'm still pretty proud of myself!

Unwrapping on Christmas morning.

Unwrapping non-Santa presents.

Our impromptu Christmas ham. We were planning on going to my Mom and Dad's for Christmas dinner but couldn't because of sick kids. So we did a ham, but we forgot to buy some pineapple rings and decided to make do with pineapple tidbits. It tasted great, but looking at it cracked me up.

I don't know why I've never bought the kids Bendaroos before, they are my new favorite toy! Little scenes like this one appeared all over the livingroom walls. All three kids were involved and they even worked together without arguing! Maybe I should have taken a picture of that instead to remind myself that peace and unity in my home is not actually impossible. I don't know, maybe it was just a beautiful dream. Sigh.

When Chloe and Graeme were little one of my sisters gave us the Little People Nativity. My kids have loved it so much that this year I added the Inn at Bethlehem and the Three Wise Men sets. It's so cool, now we have six wise men and four camels! My life is complete.

I stuck this picture in as an explanation of why I was so crazy busy in the days leading up to Christmas. This year I spent a lot of time sewing gifts. I made three I Spy bags for a friend of mine (complete with embroidered names), lots of Christmas hot pads, Chloe's dress, jammies for the kids, two dinos for each kid in the same fabric as the jammies, and these hooded towels (also complete with embroidered names). I know, I'm crazy, but I really do enjoy sewing and I have precious few years left to sew for my own kids. Besides, handmade gifts can't be returned to the store. Mwa ha ha ha!

I guess if you can overlook the 103 fevers, congestion and coughing, Christmas was actually pretty good. My sister-in-law came to visit (hooray!), which helped us all to feel a little less isolated, Brian and I didn't get sick (yet) and we got everything done before Christmas Day. We even got to go visit my folks a couple of days later (I got to hold the baby!), got the house cleaned and un-decorated and went to see Tangled (which I really loved).

As for New Year's, the kids went to bed at the usual time and Brian and I shared a kiss as the ball dropped in Times Square. It was quiet and no one threw up (unlike last year). I'll try not to take it personally that the oven broke on New Year's Day, Brian can't drive his car because the door won't close tight (too cold) and Kai's cough is getting worse. Really. It's going to be a great year, I can tell.

Peace on Earth, Good Health to Children

2010-12-24T11:29:00.000-08:00

Last week Graeme got sick and stayed home from school for three days. Around the same time, Kai became congested but no fever so he kept going to school. Then on Tues of this week Chloe came down with a fever (104) and congestion and had to miss the last two days of school. Finally, yesterday Kai got the fever too so this has been the scene at our house for the last few days:

Graeme's still congested but no fever (thank goodness), Chloe's temp is all the way down to 103 (sarcasm) with coughing and congestion and Kai's temp is up to 104 also with coughing and congestion. I sure wish I had taken them in for flu shots.

I'm trying desperately to focus on Christmas, but at this point I'm exhausted and wishing it was all over. I wish I could say everything was done and ready, but there's still wrapping to be done and now I'm going to have to prepare a Christmas dinner since we won't be able to go to Mom and Dad's. I know this is a Christmas we'll all remember, but right now I'm focused on surviving. Merry Christmas anyway.

Lost tooth (teeth)

2010-12-20T13:24:00.000-08:00

When we took Kai to the dentist a month or so ago, we were a little surprised when the dentist told us that he had a couple of loose teeth. Not so much surprised at the fact of loose teeth (he hadn't lost any yet and we were expecting it soon), more at just how loose they were. Kai hadn't said a thing about them. After the dentist visit, we started telling him to wiggle them so they would fall out and the tooth fairy would come visit. Although he's super excited about the tooth fairy, he was completely unwilling to wiggle them. Then, about a week and a half ago, he started complaining that one of his teeth hurt when he ate. Brian offered to pull it but Kai was really, really unwilling.

I didn't think much more about it until last Thursday when Kai and I were eating lunch. He started complaining about his tooth hurting and then wanted to show me how loose it was. It was so loose he could push it all the way over with his tongue (I could see the bottom of the tooth)! I told him that was pretty neat and he probably could pull it out. He refused, of course. A couple of minutes later he said: "Mommy, my tooth is gone!" "Well, where is it?" "I don't know!" We looked all over and couldn't find it so I'm pretty sure it went down with his corndog. When I mentioned that he probably swallowed it, his response was: "That's not possible!" Which kind of cracked me up. He was convinced that because teeth are hard, you can't swallow them without serious bodily injury. Anyway, we wrote a note to the tooth fairy and all was well.

Until the next day, that is.

Having not learned my lesson, I cooked up another corndog for his lunch. A few minutes into the meal, out of the blue, he said: "Mommy, my other tooth is gone!" That's right, his second lost tooth went down with the corndog to join the first. No more corndogs for Kai!

If you look real close, you can see that the new teeth are already coming in. We wrote another note to the tooth fairy and she was kind enough to leave more money even though "she didn't see my tooth" (according to Kai).

These lost teeth make me a little sad. I'm happy that Kai is growing and developing, but each of his "firsts" is a "last" for me. No more first lost tooth, first smile, first day without diapers, first day of Kindergarten, first breath in this world. I'm comfortable with having no more children, but these milestones still make me a little melancholy.

BTW, I went to Weight Watchers on Friday and was down 1.8 pounds. It wasn't as much as I had hoped, but any loss is better than a gain. Now I just need to survive the rest of the holidays........

I win or Weight Watchers week 5

2010-12-10T13:04:00.000-08:00

From the title of this post, you're probably already guessing where I'm going with this. Here it is anyway: I went to Weight Watchers today (in spite of bloating and horrible cramps) to discover that I lost 5.4 pounds this week! Needless to say, I'm thrilled beyond words. And with my new attitude change I'm even celebrating my accomplishment instead of minimizing it. Hooray! I am winning!

Weight Watchers week 4, BPD and a Change in Strategy

2010-12-09T14:05:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I went to my fourth Weight Watchers meeting last Friday, but I haven't really felt like posting about it until right now. Probably because I'm going again tomorrow. Anyway, I gained 2.6 pounds which was really really bad and I've been pretty upset about it. Although, I think I've been more upset about the comment the lady who was weighing me made. When I saw my weight gain I said: "Oh, that's bad." and her response was: "Well, it looks like Thanksgiving was good." Which made me feel like crap because I think if Thanksgiving was good, I would have lost weight! So I've continued to feel like crap since then and have regularly contemplated giving up.

But today I was thinking about Biggest Loser (one of my favorite shows) and I remembered Jillian the trainer telling one of the contestants that she needed to stop seeking approval from others. I realized that's exactly what I've been doing! Now I know that's not a good strategy in general, but it's even worse for people (like me) with Borderline Personality Disorder. Because of my BPD, I tend to view people in black and white; a person is either all good or all bad and that includes me. So when someone else is rude or unsupportive, it's devastating because it means that I am a horrible person. I've really been working on my perceptions of other people and I'm getting a lot better about accepting the good mixed with the bad, but I realized today that I haven't been applying those perception changes to myself. Not a good strategy for weight loss because I can never ever win.

New strategy for tomorrow: no matter what the scale says, I'm going to remind myself of my victories (big and small) and I'm going to tell myself over and over again how beautiful, strong, smart and talented I am. What it boils down to is that I've got to believe in myself or all of the wonderful, supportive people in my life won't be able to help me one little bit because the second they make a mistake or say something wrong (we're all too human) my world will come crashing down.

My personal battles right now in this life are obesity and BPD. As hard as they are, I guess they could be worse. I will win. As Stuart Smalley would say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"

To Anonymous

2010-12-08T13:16:00.000-08:00

I've been getting comments on my blog lately from several anonymous sources who I'm pretty sure are actual people and not ad generating computers. While I'm grateful for your interest in my thoughts and experiences, I haven't responded to or published your comments. You may be wondering why, so here it is:

20 years ago when I was in college, I was given a position of responsibility in the dorm where I was living. One of the dorm rules that I was required to enforce was no lit candles. One of the other residents (who was a friend of mine) had a birthday party and attempted to light the candles on her cake. I stopped her and she became very angry at me. She complained to my supervisor about how awful I was (she made up a story about how I mistreated her) and I got into a lot of trouble. I assume it was her but I don't know for sure because my supervisor wouldn't tell me who leveled the complaint against me and wouldn't listen to my side of the story even though I had no other complaints against me before or after.

I know, I need to let things go, but I'm not angry at that girl anymore, I just appreciate knowing who I'm interacting with at any given time. Anonymity doesn't sit real well with me. So, if you would like to link to one of my posts, send me the address of what you're linking me to. Or leave your blog or email address in your comment and ask me not to publish it. I'm always looking to get to know new people!

Scenes from the blizzard and Gratitude

2010-11-29T10:31:00.000-08:00

The blizzard last Tuesday was an interesting experience. I was baffled by the near panic I sensed all around. I went to the grocery store in the early afternoon and it was packed. School was dismissed early, businesses closed and everyone went home. I didn't understand why until the storm actually hit around 3:30. Here's what I saw from my front and back doors (that's not fog, by the way, it's snow blowing sideways):

I think the most frightening part was how quiet it was. The wind was blowing really hard, but there was very little sound. And it was so cold! I think our furnace ran nonstop until we went to bed. I am so very grateful that we were all inside and the power didn't go out!

Speaking of gratitude, we had a very special Thanksgiving this year. We were going to California to spend the weekend with Brian's dad and Maree. We were very excited to go, but we never made it. That being said, here's what I'm grateful for this Thanksgiving:

I'm grateful the blizzard ended Tuesday night.

I'm grateful the snowplows worked all night to clear the roads and the other drivers were being extra careful.

I'm grateful the radiator cracked just south of Beaver and not in the middle of the Nevada desert.

I'm grateful we didn't have an accident and nothing else in the engine was damaged.

I'm grateful the tow truck driver came in less that 45 minutes because it was very cold and we didn't dare

run the engine.

I'm grateful the Beaver McDonald's was warm and nobody minded us hanging out for 5 hours.

I'm grateful my sister and brother-in-law live in St. George.

I'm grateful my bil has a truck and didn't mind coming all the way up to Beaver to get us.

I'm grateful my sister, her husband and kids are kind and generous enough to welcome us into their home in

our hour of need. We were warm and well-fed and loved.

I'm grateful that my dad was willing to drive down to help us and that he didn't have to.

I'm grateful my uncle went on the internet and helped us find a new radiator.

I'm grateful to the person who drove up from Las Vegas with our radiator early Saturday morning.

I'm grateful to Evan the mechanic for going to work on a day he wasn't scheduled to work and only charging

us $20 for it.

I'm grateful for clear skies and roads on the drive home.

I'm grateful for good neighbors who took care of our home and our stupid cat.

I'm grateful for 10 inches of snow on my lawn before winter has even officially started.

I'm grateful for my family and friends, every last one of you!

But most of all, I'm grateful to be safe at home.

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving!

Princesses and Excellent Sprite

2010-11-22T09:35:00.000-08:00

10 year olds are not always the best readers in the world but they're generally pretty good-natured about their mistakes. Yesterday we were discussing Daniel and the lion's den so Kelly asked one of the kids to read the following verse:

"Then this Daniel was preferred above the presidents and princes, because an excellent spirit was in him; and the king thought to set him over the whole realm."

Boy were we surprised to hear that Daniel was actually preferred above the presidents and princesses because he had an excellent Sprite in him. That prompted an interesting discussion about how progressive those Persians were (being ruled by princesses) and how Daniel had managed to get his hands on Sprite hundreds of years before soda pop was actually invented. Hee, hee.

I love my calling. I hope my sprite is as excellent as the sprite that is in my students.

Weight Watchers - week 3

2010-11-19T15:33:00.000-08:00

I went to my third Weight Watchers weigh-in/meeting this morning. I was really nervous to go because this last week was difficult and I was pretty sure I'd gained weight. (Brian was in St. Louis Mon-Wed and it was that time of the month for me.) The bad news is I gained, the good news is it was only .2 of a pound which I'm ultimately okay with. The nice thing is, the workers at Weight Watchers are not at all judgemental and I got some great suggestions for how to survive Thanksgiving without feeling like a big loser. I even have a goal to lose a pound or two. Keep your fingers crossed!

Grandma and Grandpa B. - #17 and #18

2010-11-15T13:49:00.000-08:00

This is Grandma and Grandpa B., my Dad's parents. With Thanksgiving fast approaching, my thoughts always turn to them. I remember as a young child going to Thanksgiving dinner at their house. It felt like every square inch was filled with people and/or food. Grandpa would make this really yummy apricot drink and Grandma would make everything else, especially homemade rolls and pie. I don't think she sat down all day and I never saw the clothes she wore because they were covered with an apron. After dinner I sometimes had to help with the dishes (done by hand, of course). I had to dry because I couldn't put my hands in the water; it was so hot I swear it was boiling, but Grandma had her hands in it constantly. There were piles and piles of dishes so by the time we got to the end my towel would be dripping and I'd basically just be smearing the water around on the dishes. The water was so hot, though, that they were probably dry by the time they got to the cupboard anyway. Thanksgiving is also a tender time for me because my Grandpa died on the Thanksgiving before my mission. Grandma called, Dad left, and the next thing I knew Grandpa was gone.

The Grandpa I knew was kind and gentle and humorous. He used to tell me things like: "Assumptions make an ass out of you and me" and stories like the one about the city girl and the country boy. They were on a date riding in the country boy's wagon. The city girl wanted him to hold her hand so she batted her eyes and told him that her hands were cold. He gave her a funny look and told her that if her hands were cold then she ought to sit on them. I was blessed to receive my Patriarchal Blessing from my grandpa. It starts with the words: "a beloved granddaughter of mine". Grandpa was always puttering around working on this and that (he built the house they lived in) and I think I knew he was going to die when we came to visit and he was just sitting in the rocking chair.

The Grandma I knew was strong and rigid. Having raised four rowdy boys, I'm not sure she knew quite what to do with all us girls. Her love and affection came in the form of food. I always thought I was pulling one over on her when I would sneak sugar cubes and marshmellows from that one drawer in the kitchen, but there was always more the next time we came to visit, along with rolls or cookies or pie or candy. Mom would tell us not to ask for food, but we didn't have to ask, it was just magically in our reach as soon as we walked in. I used to be a little bit afraid of Grandma until I went on my mission. She sent me a letter every week and those letters taught me who my Grandma really was. She was an intelligent, determined woman who missed her husband desperately. I cried often those first few months because she would tell me something that happened and then mention that she wished she could tell Grandpa. Their love for one another continues to inspire me.

Grandma died when Kai was a baby. Her last words to me were: "You take care of that boy". Taking care of people was what Grandma knew and her death was a nightmare for me. She was so strong and so used to fighting for life that she fought until the very last moment. When she finally let go, I felt like an anchor had been cut and I was adrift. Now, five years later, I'm happy for her. She missed Grandpa horribly for a long time and now they're together again. But I still miss them both very much.

Ice cream in a pharmacy bag

2010-11-10T13:59:00.000-08:00

Losing weight is hard! Not just hard, more along the lines of: I'd rather give birth with no epidural while getting a root canal and attending parent-teacher conference than keep trying to lose weight. Seriously not a happy endeavor.

That being said, about a year ago I miraculously managed to lose 40 pounds. Hooray for me! Then over this last winter/spring/summer I managed to gain back 20. Hooray for me? Yeah, not so much. I'll admit it, I'm desperate. So I signed up for a program being offered by my insurance company called "Waist Aweigh" (obviously titled by some obnoxious thin person who enjoys mocking us poor fat souls) anyway, the program will reimburse me for weight loss programs (up to $50 a month) as long as I lose one Body Mass Index (BMI) point every 60 days. Easy? Not so much, but at least somebody (besides me) now has a vested interest in me losing weight.

I was already going to a gym so I went and joined Weight Watchers (something I really, really never thought I'd do!) All snarkiness aside, I think it's a good thing and it's helping because I've actually managed to lose almost 4 pounds since I went to the doctor a few weeks ago. I'll keep posting about it, but that's not really the point of this particular post.

Here's the point: Today I attended my second Weight Watcher's meeting. I was so excited to be losing weight again that I ran right out after the meeting and bought myself a container of Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby! (And you can just shut up about it not being a good idea to reward weight loss with ice cream! I don't care!) Since I had to get flouride I just paid for the ice cream at the pharmacy. And guess what? They put the ice cream in a pharmacy bag! Isn't that hilarious? I mean, for me ice cream is practically medicinal anyway so I've decided that from now on all ice cream should come in a pharmacy bag. It would completely eliminate ice cream guilt and turn me into the best mom ever ("I'm sorry kids, but you have to take your ice cream medicine before you can have your vegetables"). So there you have it. Ice cream in a pharmacy bag, it's the wave of the future!

Kind stranger - #16

2010-11-08T10:42:00.000-08:00

No, I didn't forget about the whole "blogging about 38 people who aren't me" business, I've just been a little busy :)
Friday morning I went to the old Wal-Mart (20 minutes from my house, the new Wal-Mart is only 8) because I wanted to get some fabric to make jammies and dinosaurs for the kids for Christmas. I was in a huge hurry and I needed to get that fabric right then! I knew I wouldn't have time to come back later. Imagine my excitement when I found the PERFECT fabric for Chloe! It was so cute and age-appropriate (not always easy these days) and green! But the only bolt I could find of the stuff didn't have enough fabric on it. Tragedy! So I found some other (less perfect) fabric as well as some fabric for Graeme and Kai and I got in the cutting line. While causually looking around, I spotted another bolt of the perfect fabric in another customer's cart! I couldn't believe it! My hopes soaring, I asked her how much she was buying off the bolt. My heart dropped when she told me that she was taking all of it. I know it seems silly, but it really was the PERFECT fabric for Chloe.

Anyway, we chatted a little and she left.

A few minutes later, as the workers were cutting my fabric she appeared again out of nowhere with a brand new bolt of the perfect fabric in her hand! Instead of heading straight to the checkout stand she had taken a few minutes of her time to search for that fabric for me, a total stranger! I was so happy I almost cried! I did manage to say "Thank you!" then she smiled and left.

Again, I know it seems silly, but the simple kindness of that particular stranger made my whole day. I think sometimes I get caught up in the idea that to serve others involves a tremendous amount of time and effort when in fact meaningful service is often quick and spontaneous. I hope and pray that she felt as happy as I did and that I will be more aware of these little service opportunities in the future!

A lesson in advocacy or Not Pleased part 2

2010-10-18T13:34:00.000-07:00

Remember how I was not very pleased with Graeme's language arts teacher last week? Well, this morning I was helping in his class and this same teacher came and asked me to stop by and talk to her before I left. I of course did and you can just imagine my surprise when she apologized for not emailing me back and informed me that she agreed with everything I had said. Apparently one of the 3rd grade teachers (who has been teaching a long time) is calling the shots on the 3rd grade team and the other teachers just go along with what she wants. Also, Graeme isn't really THAT bad in class and she's happy to start sending him out for recess.

I was relieved and grateful, but here's where the lesson comes in: she thanked me for saying something because she didn't really agree with this other teacher but none of the parents had ever said anything so she just stuck with the status quo. Having been a teacher, I understand that my child's teacher isn't always his best advocate. She hasn't invested as much time and money into him as I have, she's got 32 other kids to worry about and she will NEVER love him as much as I do. I am his BEST advocate and I'm so glad I spoke up!

An athlete's heart

2010-10-14T13:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had my annual go to the doctor to be insulted, poked, prodded and drained dry appointment. I have hypothyroidism so I have to have a blood test every year and my doctor insists on a physical even though I'm pretty sure she hates fat people. Maybe she's just doing it for the money. Hmmmmm.....

Anyway, I was really not looking forward to going because I've gained back 20 of the 40 pounds I lost last year and didn't want to hear any snarky comments from my beloved doctor. I was also a little worried about my blood pressure since I'm gaining weight again. The thing is, I do strenuous aerobic exercise 4 to 5 times a week as well as walking 3 to 4 times a week. So I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when my resting heart rate was 52 bpm (excellent, by the way) and my blood pressure was 120 over 70 (exactly where it should be for a woman my age). I think the doctor was a little surprised, though, because when she finished listening to my heart and breathing she said:

"Oh, you have the heart of an athlete!"

I think I said something intelligent back like: "well, um, yeah, um I been exercisin" (You have to remember, this is the same woman who once told me that I should just go lose some weight if I wanted to feel better.) Now, I know she was referring to my fantastic blood pressure and heart rate readings, but being of a philosophical bent I choose to believe that she meant I have the "heart" of an athlete. Where "heart" is referring to that rare quality of perseverence and dedication that truly exceptional athletes have. Does this mean I'm destined to become a truly exceptional athlete? Has my excessively compassionate doctor started me on the road to the Iron Man triathlon? Maybe not, but thinking about my athlete's "heart" made jogging on the treadmill this morning at the gym just a little bit easier. And I dislike my doctor a little bit less today.

Not pleased!

2010-10-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

Here's reason #7,632a why I'm not pleased with our elementary school:

Graeme hasn't been bringing home homework. He kept telling me that he was completing it at school but his main teacher called me last week to tell me that he was missing homework assignments. I was pretty upset and asked her to please send the missing work home and not keep him in at recess to complete it. I didn't see any homework. So I told Graeme no more electronics until he started bringing home homework. Still no homework. So I was checking the kids' grades on Powerschool yesterday and he had a whole bunch of blank scores. I of course emailed his teachers and asked what was going on. His reading/language arts teacher replied that she's been keeping him in at recess to do missed work and oh by the way Graeme is the only student who complains that she's going too fast and he's disruptive in class (makes noises) and he's very bright but she thinks he thinks that he can just slide by and doesn't have to do the work. Also, (according to her) it's 3rd grade policy to give a zero for late work. In other words, even if the kids do the work, if it's turned in late they get a big fat zero and besides (again according to her) Graeme won't bring anything home anyway so what's the point in trying to send work home?

I was speechless. First of all, why hadn't she contacted me sooner? How long was she just going to let Graeme fail? Second, how has she not made the connection between no recess and Graeme's disruptive behavior? Hello! He's an 8-year-old boy who can't hardly sit still when he's doing something he enjoys! He doesn't enjoy school, he's still having problems with bullies, now his teacher is being hostile AND he doesn't get to run around outside. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to understand why this is a problem! Third, has she ever sat down and talked to Graeme? He doesn't like doing homework (who does?) so he doesn't bring it home (plus he's pretty forgetful). There is no malice or forethought involved in this. I'm pretty upset about this because this is the teacher Chloe had for 3rd grade and she was wonderful with Chloe. So I was very excited that Graeme would have her at least for part of the day. I guess I shouldn't have been.

I did get an email from his main teacher telling me that she doesn't take points off for late work (hmmmm, 3rd grade policy, eh) and she would start Graeme on a tracker (paper that he has to bring home every night) if I'm okay with that. Okay with that? I was jumping for joy! A teacher who's willing to help! Who knew? Did I mention that this is his main teacher's first year teaching but his reading/language arts teacher has been teaching for at least 4 years? Why is the new one so much more willing to solve this problem than the experienced one?

Grrrrr! Like I said, NOT PLEASED!!!

No Bad Days

2010-09-27T10:37:00.000-07:00

I saw an interesting sticker on a van this morning in the parking lot at school. It said: "No bad days". I've seen this sticker before, but it struck me today that this is what I've been striving and yearning for ever since I found out about the whole Borderline Personality Disorder business. I just long to be able to face each day with a smile on my face and a song in my heart and to end it the same way.

Not that I think bad things aren't going to happen; while it would be nice if I had met my personal quota of unpleasant experiences, I know there's more to come. I would just like to be able to confront everything that comes and consistently find the good and let go of the bad. I'm not asking much, I just want to be happy and I want all my loved ones to feel the same way.

So, I'll keep trying. No bad days.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2010-09-23T13:24:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to Me!

I'm a hundred and three

I sort of look like a monkey

but I don't live in a tree!

38 years ago today I came into this world (kicking and screaming, I'm sure!) and I'm terribly glad to be here! Be extra happy and kind today (just for me) and toast me with a moist chocolate cupcake. I love you all!

Dietrich - #15

2010-09-21T12:21:00.001-07:00

When we first moved here, Chloe was just starting the 2nd grade. That was a very hard year for her; she struggled with the move and making new friends and adjusting to a new and very different school. In her class that year was a little boy named Dietrich. He was severely handicapped and couldn't move or talk much, but he had a smile that would light a room. When the other boys teased Chloe, Dietrich smiled and gave her a high five. Chloe loved Dietrich and would point him out to me and wave when we walked by his house on the way home from school.

Dietrich is now 11, just like Chloe, but unlike Chloe he will always be 11. Dietrich passed away on Saturday and his funeral was today. I know he's been very sick for several years, but I don't think an expected death is any easier than an unexpected one. I keep thinking about Dietrich's mom; how can you bury your child and keep going on? This morning as I watched my 11-year-old child walk away into the cold dark morning the image of another mom watching her 11-year-old child being lowered into the cold dark earth came unbidden. How do you say goodbye, knowing you won't be able to see or hear or touch your child for a long time?

I'm sure Dietrich touched many lives in his short one, he certainly touched ours. As I drove past his house today, I saw his small wheelchair empty and folded, resting on the driveway. It's work is done now that Dietrich has gone home. The world is a little darker today without him in it.

G.G. - #14

2010-09-15T13:06:00.000-07:00

This is my Grandma-in-law, Brian's only living grandparent; affectionately known in our house as G.G. (Great Grandma).

She's a few years younger than Grandma T., but she's still pretty old. G.G. has always been a good example to me of gracious generosity and faithful perseverence. She raised a child with Type 1 diabetes (my mother-in-law) fifty years ago when not as much was known about diabetes. She is highly educated and taught elementary school for many years.

G.G. has struggled with health issues the last few years, but she's always glad to see us or hear from us in any way. She even let us come back to her house after Kai threw up a sugar cookie at her kitchen table! And I can always count on Christmas and birthday cards from her and Grandma T. (and Mom, of course).

About a week ago G.G. went to the hospital and ended up having heart surgery. Everything worked out okay and she's recovering well, but things like that really scare me and make me realize how fragile life really is. We've lost too many grandparents, G.G. and Grandma T. are just going to have to stick around forever!

Grandma T. - #13

2010-09-14T13:06:00.000-07:00

So it turns out that blogging about 38 people who aren't me is much more difficult than I thought it would be! Blogging regularly is a battle that I'm just not winning. Oh well, I'd better continue what I started!
This is my Grandma T., my mom's mom.

Isn't she beautiful? Grandma T. is an absolutely amazing woman. This picture was taken two years ago when she was 91. That's right, she's now 93 and she still looks like that. She also still lives on her own. My parents help her out quite a bit, but she essentially takes care of herself. She was even still driving up until a couple of years ago. She's my only grandparent still living and I love her very much.

Grandma T. always lived close enough that we got to see her regularly; she always had a cookie jar on the kitchen counter and it always had cookies in it. I remember being a little intimidated by the cleanliness of her home, I kept my hands to myself when I was at Grandma's house! She used to live in a house in Salt Lake with a giant cherry tree in the backyard and a giant garden in the side yard. I loved playing in the tree and on the big back porch. Grandma was also quite a seamstress in her day (although I didn't find that out until I was an adult) so maybe that's where I come by my love of sewing.

Even though I saw Grandma regularly as a child, I feel like I'm finally getting to know her. For instance, I found out a couple of years ago that she loves eggplant. I didn't even try eggplant until after Chloe was born so that revelation was kind of a shock for me! I've also learned that for the most part, life has been hard for Grandma but she has powered through it all with a unique mix of stubbornness, faith and vinegar. I think if you look up the word "fiesty" in the dictionary you'll find a picture of my Grandma!

I feel so blessed to have my Grandma and I often wonder how much longer she'll be with us. According to her, not much longer; but she's been saying that for ten years! Whatever will be, will be; I'm just grateful for all the time we've had with her and I plan on enjoying all the time we have left.

Contentment

2010-09-10T14:17:00.000-07:00

On the way into town today, Kai piped up from the backseat with:

"Mommy, I like where we live."

"Me too, buddy."

"And I like you and daddy as my parents."

With a tear in my eye: "Thanks buddy! I like you as my kid!"

My baby is content, what more can I ask?

Grandpa C. and Maree - #11 and #12

2010-09-09T12:44:00.001-07:00

This is Brian's dad and my "second" mother-in-law, Maree.

I've noticed as I'm doing these posts that I keep mentioning how blessed I am by the people in my life; well, Grandpa C. and Maree are no exception. I am truly thankful for my father-in-law and "second" mother-in-law. They are loving and generous people. Since I didn't know them when I was growing up, my relationship with them is defined by my children, and I couldn't ask for more caring grandparents for my little ones.

They live far away in a beautiful house by the ocean so we don't get to see them in person very often but we do get to "Skype" them every Sunday night. The kids are always super excited to talk to Grandpa and Maree and are very sad on those rare occasions when we can't connect. They are always interested in every little thing that's happening in our lives and I know their interest makes the kids feel special and good about themselves. There's just such a unique and irreplaceable relationship between a loving grandparent and a child; it's something I, as a parent, can't duplicate.

I think the relationship between a woman and her mother-in-law is also very unique and special. I feel like a got a second chance with Maree. She is originally from Australia and is very different from me in many ways (especially temperment :) but she has been accepting and loving right from the start. I admire her strength and endurance and the joy that she has in living. Mostly, though, I am grateful for her loving care. We almost lost Grandpa C. to a heart attack a couple of years ago; Maree saved his life and has continued to take care of him. I can't thank her enough for all that she has done and the good person that she is. I truly am blessed!

PG - #10

2010-09-08T14:21:00.001-07:00

I'm going to deviate a little from my planned blogging order and talk about my oldest sister today because today is her birthday! She's the only one in my family (besides me) with a September birthday so I thought it would work :)

PG is the oldest of the five of us; I'm going to respect her wishes and not use her name or picture on my blog. If it helps, she's eight years older than me (and always will be, HA!), otherwise she looks quite a bit like me but about five inches shorter (again, HA!) and a bit blonder. She moved out when I was still pretty young so I didn't get to know her until I grew up and also moved out, then I discovered what an intelligent and independent person she is! I'm starting to think it's genetic, because Chloe is so much like her. She loves my kids and always sends them presents for birthdays and Christmas. Chloe really enjoys talking to her on the phone as well as writing letters and emails back and forth with her. We don't get to see her very often because she lives so far away.

PG is a wonderful example to me of how to care for other people. She is forging her own way in this world, but she loves others and gives of herself without a second thought. I'm very grateful that she's my sister, my life is better with her in it. Happy Birthday, PG!

Susan - #9

2010-09-07T06:37:00.000-07:00

I was blessed with a wonderful mother-in-law. Her name was Susan.

She was a very intelligent, kind and loving person. She never judged me or thought that I wasn't good enough for her son, and Chloe was truly the light of her life. Her health was never very good (she had type 1 diabetes) but she always had time for us. She would sit and read to Chloe or let her play the piano or paint. She was a teacher in my high school but I never knew her until I met Brian.

Susan died almost 8 years ago when Graeme was just a baby. Chloe still remembers her, but the other two never knew her. I have many regrets when it comes to my mother-in-law. I was in the throes of craziness from Borderline Personality Disorder as well as hormonal having babies and lack of sleep insanity and I really behaved badly. I realize that she wasn't perfect, but she did do the best that she could. I wish I could apologize to her and build a relationship with her. I wish that I had known then how short and precious life really is. What I wish most of all is that I could share my children with her. I know she would adore them; she would glory in their accomplishments and weep for their disappointments.

I hope someday to have a second chance with her; but before then to maybe be the kind of mother that Susan was.

Mom and Dad - #7 and #8

2010-08-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

I love this picture of my mom and dad. It was taken 47 years ago and I love how young and happy they look, so full of love and hope for their future together.

My parents have always been wonderful examples to me. My mom is one of the strongest women I know. She gave birth to me and my four sisters and raised us through some pretty difficult times. My dad has always worked hard to provide for us and help my mom. Mom was fierce in her love for us and her desire to protect us. Dad was gentle and wise. Mom has always been beautiful to me; I've often admired the outfits she's put together and she's very good at knowing when clothes will look good on your body even if they don't look good on the hangar. Dad has a wicked sense of humor which I didn't appreciate very much when I was younger.

I'm sorry to say that there are many things about my parents that I didn't appreciate very much when I was younger. I think it's normal to have issues with your parents, but getting married and having children of my own has helped me realize that my parents did the best they could. I know they made mistakes, just as I'm making mistakes, but I'm so grateful that they never gave up on me. I hope my kids can say the same thing about me someday.

Sophie Marcelle - #6

2010-08-28T21:28:00.000-07:00

I'm going to cheat a little on this one. You see, Sophie Marcelle isn't a real person. When I was pregnant with Kai and we were tossing around names, I fell in love with the name Sophie. Then I remembered that Brian's Grandma's name (on his Dad's side) was Marcelle and there it was: Sophie Marcelle.

After Kai came out a boy (dang it!) there I was stuck with this girl name that I loved and couldn't use. When we made the difficult decision to be done having kids, Sophie Marcelle began to take on a life of her own for me. Even though I completely agreed with the decision we had made, I truly felt like she was out there waiting for me.

As the years have passed, my obsession with this child who never was has eased somewhat and I can think of her now with only a slight pang but she has definitely come to represent those hopes and dreams that never made it to fruition. I wanted her, but for the sake of my health (and marriage) it was not to be. But that's not necessarily bad; after all, I have my health and my marriage and my three other children. In the same way, my life is different now than I thought it would be when I was younger, but it's not bad. I have so much, and the occasional disappoint only builds character.

Stupid building character.

Kai - #5

2010-08-27T12:05:00.001-07:00

I'm embarrassed to admit that Kai is the only one of our kids that we have baby pictures of on the computer. It's hard to remember that he was ever that small. Small being a relative term since he was 10lbs and 21in long when he was born and he hasn't stopped growing since. We joke that he had to be big to defend himself from Chloe and Graeme!

Kai is a very sweet boy who managed to inherit my dad's wicked sense of humor. I love this next picture because it is very much Kai. Even though he was only about 9 months when it was taken, he knew he looked funny and wanted in on the joke.

He really is my little comedian. When we sit down for dinner, he spends the entire meal trying to make Chloe and Kai laugh.

At the same time, Kai instinctively understands that he's my baby. He always seems to know when I need a little hand to hold or a small warm body in my lap. He lets me kiss and love on him as much as I want (mostly :).

Just like the other two, Kai is dino-crazy! I swear his first word was "paleontologist" which is what he's going to be when he grows up, of course. He even knows what a paleontologist is! His favorite dino is carnataurus but raptors are okay too.

This is my baby yesterday on his first day of kindergarten (which he loves!) He's so big, I have no idea where the time went. I know that now since he started school he's going to grow up and stop being my little cuddle bug. I accept the inevitability of life but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it!

Graeme - #4

2010-08-26T12:20:00.001-07:00

Here's Graeme, my beautiful, tender-hearted boy.

Graeme is very much the middle child. He was my easiest delivery and at 7lbs 15oz and 19in long, my smallest baby. He slept a lot right after he was born and has kind of been in his own world since then.

He definitely experiences all the frustrations of being sandwiched between two strong and forceful personalities, but he really is a sweet and caring child with quite of bit of strength and force of his own. We were watching a nature show about wild skunks once and at the end of the show I realized he was crying. When I asked him why, he said he was sad because the mother skunk left the babies alone and they were going to die. That's Graeme for you. He truly cares for all of God's creatures.

Especially dinosaurs!

Here he is this morning on his first day of third grade. It tears me up to see how big he's getting! He's so full of life and energy, pictures like this always surprise me because he's not even still when he's asleep! I just love this boy.

Chloe - #3

2010-08-25T13:22:00.000-07:00

I've got to go with Chloe next. She's my firstborn and my only daughter. I've always thought she looked just like Brian's mom, but when I re-found this picture just now, I can't believe how much she looks like me!

Chloe's birth was the usual first baby trauma. She was 8lbs 1oz and 19in long. I was in no way prepared for the gigantic personality enclosed in that (relatively) small package!

We tease Chloe that she came out blue as a Smurf with her eyes wide open. She WAS actually blue as a Smurf and unbelievably observant. Right from the start she wanted nothing to do with being held (except at 3 in the morning when we were trying to sleep :). I think she was afraid she'd miss something!

Brian worked at a computer lab on campus when she was born and he used to take her to work where he kept her under his desk in her carseat. She was perfectly content!

I feel so blessed to have a daughter, especially this particular daughter. I often wish she wasn't my oldest, though. It seems like I'm constantly trying to protect her from the danger lurking all around but she'll have none of that! She's smart and fearless and passionate and volatile and determined to make her own way in this world. The tighter I cling to her, the farther away from me she goes. I really have no idea how I'm going to survive her childhood and I'm actively blocking the idea that she's going to be a teenager soon.

Tomorrow she's off to 6th grade, which around here means middle school. A school that's 20 minutes away from my house. Full of strange adults and kids who are big and mean. She's super excited but I feel like I'm going to throw up! This is way harder than kindergarten!

Brian - #2

2010-08-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

This is Brian, and even though I'm posting about him second, he's anything but #2.

He is my better half and the love of my life. He's smart and talented and funny and kind and frugal and faithful and WAY more patient than me. He works very hard to support me and the kids so that I can be home with them. He also likes to make funny faces when I'm taking a picture of him (so these pictures are your own fault, honey!)

We met in college (in the band) many years ago when the earth was young and dinosaurs roamed. Maybe that's why our kids are so dino-crazy?

He had to shave the beard when he got called to the High Council which was very hard for me for awhile, but now that I'm used to it he's just as gorgeous as ever!

Lest he develop a big head from reading this, he does occasionally drive me nuts with his quirky ways, but he truly is the perfect match for me. I love you, Brian!

Ashlinn Mary - #1

2010-08-23T13:26:00.000-07:00

You may not be aware of this, but my 38th birthday is fast approaching. That's right, 38 years old in a few short weeks. After talking with my sister (who turned 40 this year, ha ha she's older than me) I decided I wanted to do something different and meaningful for my birthday. So, I decided to do 38 posts about people other than me. (Well, I'm sure they'll still partly be about me, but it is my blog after all!) I haven't decided yet whether to do them all before my birthday or stretch them out a little. You'll just have to wait and see!

Since I'm trying something new, this first post is about the newest person I know. I'd like you to meet my niece:

Ashlinn Mary

She was born Friday, August 20th, 2010 after much pain and travail. She weighed 8lbs 13oz and was 21 in long. (If you had seen my sister before the birth, her size wouldn't surprise you one bit!)

She is beautiful and sweet as all newborns are (I think it's a defense mechanism) and I got to hold her when she was brand-new!

Here she is with her Daddy and her big brother.

A few hours after she was born, my sister almost died. A massive blood clot had formed inside her that was preventing her body from healing itself after the birth. Fortunately, the doctors and nurses rushed her back into surgery and saved her life. I will never forget how I felt after hearing the news. It ranks among the top five scariest moments of my life, but she's doing much better now.

I'm really looking forward to knowing this new little person, but no matter what her personality is, she will always remind me how fragile and valuable this life is. My sister is young and strong, yet she almost died. As I've thought about this fact (over and over) since Friday, I've been reminded of how silly it is to let anger and hurt rule my actions. Holding a grudge and refusing to forgive past offenses are my biggest weaknesses and they are the biggest waste of my time. I hope I can always remember that. Welcome to this world, Ashlinn Mary!

Nobody But Me

2010-08-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

We went to Cedar City/St. George last week for the annual Rural Summit that Brian attends. We had a good time staying in a hotel, visiting cousins, shopping for school clothes and just generally getting out of the house.

On the way home, we passed a semi-truck with the words "Nobody But Me" written in big beautiful cursive letters on the back. I couldn't help contemplating those words just a little. That statement was probably the trucker's working motto, something along the lines of "the buck stops here", but I was struck by the potential tragedy of those words. Does that man really feel that he is all alone in this world? Is he that lonely? or maybe that selfish? Has he cut himself off from the multitude of caring souls who are alive now and who came before? At the very least, can't he feel the loving touch of his Savior's hand? And how many people like him are out there?

I admit that sometimes I feel all alone and forsaken in my life and trials. But I know that I'm not. I know that Jesus Christ came to this earth and was crucified and resurrected for me. I feel the loving touch of His hand. I want to live my life by this motto:

EVERYBODY AND ME

Lagoon, Walking Wounded and A New Ring

2010-08-09T15:24:00.001-07:00

We've been promising the kids a trip to Lagoon for more than a year now so, finally, we went. Our camera battery died (of course) so we only got a few pictures. I do have to say that the camera dying was the only thing that went wrong. I know, I'm amazed too! In fact, we left home around 10:30 am and got home around 11:30 pm and for that entire time there was no fighting, no disobedience, no meltdowns; I was starting to wonder who these children were!

Here are Graeme and Kai on the little bumper cars. We went on the big bumper cars later. I can't believe all my kids are tall enough for the big bumper cars! They weren't terribly brave though, we may have to wait a few years to go back because the kids are all going to be too big for the little rides and too scared for the big rides.

Chloe's the one in the pink hat and sunglasses. I swear that was the expression on her face the entire day!

They all loved the merry-go-round. Kai and Graeme (typical boys) sat in the spinny thingy every time. I thought they were going to get sick but thankfully no. We really had a great time. It was hot and humid but between the borrowed squirt bottles (thanks Mom!), the twelve water bottles and gatorade that I carried around in a backpack, we did pretty good. And I have to admit that it was great having everybody potty trained, napless and able to walk around THE ENTIRE DAY on their own two feet!

It seems like I'm always blogging about the kids so here's some about me. Saturday was an interesting day; I smashed my toe (it's hard to see, but I broke my nail and it hurt terribly) and broke one of my molars (went to the dentist today; it needs a crown but he did a temporary fix until we can afford a crown). Also, about a month and a half ago I lost my wedding ring. We've looked everywhere and can't find it so I bought a (hopefully temporary) replacement. I had to have it re-sized since I have enormous fingers but it finally came back today. Hooray!

What do you think?

Sick of being me

2010-08-04T12:58:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get tired of being yourself?

Today I'm sick to death of being me. I'm tired of my crazy brain; of constantly needing attention, of the mind games and drama. I'm exhausted from my inability to control myself when the kids misbehave (for the gazillionth time) or when there's chocolate in the cupboard. I'm fed up with looking at my fat self in the mirror, wondering what the scale will say today and why isn't the exercise helping?!?!

I can no longer avoid the fact that I'm a bad, selfish, mean person pretending to be a good, caring, nice person. I would dearly love to be someone else for awhile.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about trading lives with someone else. I love my life! I have a great family, a comfortable home, lots of modern conveniences, neighbors that I get along with. Life is good! I just want to change who I am fundamentally, from the inside out. You know, look at a new face in the mirror, listen to new thoughts in my head. Do you ever feel that way? or is my BPD just getting the better of me today?

Garden and giggles

2010-08-03T13:49:00.001-07:00

I love my garden. I remember being a little kid, sitting on the edge of the garden staring at the rows that I was supposed to be weeding. I hated weeding! Now I can't seem to get enough of it! I love seeing plants growing beautifully like this corn.....

...but that OCD part of my brain would much rather see this recently weeded patch:

I know, I'm crazy. What can I say? Here's our great potato experiment (it's going well, in case you were wondering):

And the green beans are starting to flower. Hooray!

Now for the giggles: Kai has had bowel issues since he started potty training. Namely, once we introduced the toilet, he stopped pooping.

We tried everything to get him regular again and finally settled into a good routine, part of which is M&M rewards. When he poops, he gets M&Ms.

Anyway, since he's starting kindergarten in a few weeks we've been discussing dropping the M&Ms from his routine. Not surprisingly, he hasn't been real pleased with that idea.

So last night he did his business and then came into our bedroom and said: "So am I going off M&Ms?" Trying not to smile, I said: "Are you a big boy?"

"Yes" Came the sad reply. "Do you think you can poop without M&Ms?"

"Yes" Even sadder. Big sigh. "I'm hungry!" And he skipped out of the room.

Now, I don't know if we're done with M&Ms, but I sure got a good chuckle out of that.

The nose knows

2010-08-02T15:28:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant with Chloe, I developed "super pregnant sniffer". I discovered a whole new world of smell and most of it was bad. I assumed (foolishly) that things would get better after she was born. HAH! The following two pregnancies just made things worse and worse until now when I have a sense of smell equivalent to a mega super cyborg whose sole purpose in life is to sniff things.

Anyway, because of this new handicap, um I mean ABILITY, I spend a considerable amount of time thinking about smells. Especially in the summer when everything around me is twice it's usual temperature which leads to aromas of unbelieveable strength and pungency. Take hay, for instance. We live in a rural community with lots of farms and dairies (more about them later). I'm a big fan of the smell of fresh cut hay (even though it makes me sneeze) but after the hay has been fermenting in the sun for a few days I'm really wishing for a little more Febreeze! Then there are the dairies. I think most barnyard animals (including cows) smell good and natural until the natural byproduct of their existence is laying on the ground at the dairy in the hot sun for about a week. That smell just about puts me off milk! Of course, not all natural smells are good. Skunks smell bad alive or dead by the side of the road. Phew!

I guess I shouldn't complain, our old house is very close to some oil refineries where they burn off chemicals at night. Those smells will peel the paint off your house! Not to mention the Great Salt Lake. When the wind was just right we got to enjoy the smell of acres and acres of marshy, rotting vegetation. Ugh!

There are good summer smells, too. Warm strawberries and raspberries smell fantastic. Freshly turned dirt in the garden is good and also new mown grass (which also makes me sneeze). Oh, and onions still in the ground make for a lovely, fragrant garden. Mmmmmm. Maybe I'll go eat some chocolate. That smells good!

Stupid lazy clouds

2010-07-29T08:47:00.001-07:00

Okay, I'll admit it, I'm a weather malcontent. Unless the temperature is in the mid to upper 70s with a slight breeze, I generally hate it. That being said, we are now in the throes of my LEAST favorite weather time of the year. It's hot (mid to upper 90s) and sunny all day until the late afternoon. Let's not overlook the fact that there are 12 gazillion hours of daylight PER DAY in July and August. Then moisture oozes in sometime around dinner, causing clouds to boil up, not dropping the temperature AT ALL and not actually producing any rain.

The clouds, of course, stick around all night until about 6am when they magically disappear and the whole cycle starts all over again. I've decided that these clouds are just lazy. Honestly, if they'd just dump all the moisture as rain when they boil up in the first place, then they could go away and my house would cool off and I would get some sleep! Stupid lazy clouds!

I stand corrected

2010-07-28T14:35:00.000-07:00

All three of my kids are precocious (to say the least) but they each have their moments when (through no fault of their own) they shine just a little brighter. Take Kai, for instance.

The other day the kids were sitting on the couch playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl and Kai was carrying on a conversation with himself about how difficult one of the characters was going to be, how strong he was and how he was going to "kick the butts" of his, Graeme's and Chloe's characters. Suddenly he said, in a very amazed tone of voice, "Well, I stand corrected, he wasn't so tough after all!"
Yeah, he's five going on thirteen. Maybe I should send his kindergarten teacher a letter warning her about and apologizing in advance for what she's getting into.

Just a dream

2010-07-27T13:01:00.001-07:00

Today we've been home one week from our latest Bear Lake adventure. We stayed for almost a week and had a great time.

We hung out in the cabin playing with toys....

....and watching T.V.

We also spent a fair amount of time on the beach and in the water.

The funny thing is, even though we were away for almost a week, now it just seems like a dream; a pleasant memory that may or may not have happened. I don't remember feeling this way when I was a child, but it seems like my life is going faster and faster and all of my past experiences are beginning to blur and feel like a series of dreams and nightmares. The only thing that's real anymore is what's happening to me in this very moment.

I can't help but wonder if this is what life will be like after death, if I'll just wake up in a familiar place surrounded by familiar people wondering if this mortal experience ever happened. I don't know, just musing.

The Chronicles of Why

2010-07-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

Graeme has a lovely new favorite word: "why?"

"Graeme, get your shoes on and go outside."
"Why?"

"Graeme, get up to the table so we can have dinner."
"Why?"

"Graeme, go downstairs, get dressed, make your bed, put your jammas in the drawer, get your sandals on and go get in the van so we can go to the store."
"Why?"

"Graeme, I swear if you say 'why' one more time I'm going to strangle you!"
"Why?"

A couple of days ago, I went down to Graeme's room to get him up for the day. Before he was even fully awake, the first word out of his mouth was: "why?" The kicker is, I've tried explaining every time he asks "why", but if my explanation is longer than two seconds his eyes go all glassy and he doesn't hear a word I say. I've also tried saying "because I said so" or "because I'm your mother" but when I say one of those things, he throws a massive temper tantrum and refuses to do (or stop doing) whatever my request was in the first place.

I have to admit, I'm starting to understand why we're told not to question "why" when we're experiencing trials. Obviously Heavenly Father knows a lot more than I do and has my best interests at heart. Besides, hearing "why" from one child twenty times a day is bad enough, I can't imagine hearing it from billions and billions of children throughout all eternity. So the next time I'm tempted to ask "why", I'm going to think of Graeme and say to myself: "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!".

Summertime

2010-07-22T14:48:00.000-07:00

Boy, it's been awhile! Silly me, I thought once school ended life would slow down a little. Not hardly! Here's a little taste of what we've been up to the last three months........

Strawberries. I love these plants! I don't have to do anything but water and pick! Heck, I don't even really have to pick, for some reason Chloe thinks picking strawberries (and raspberries) is the most fantastic activity ever. Go figure.

Other yardwork. Mostly watering, fertilizing and mowing. Trust me, it looks fabulous!

Gardening and raspberries. Brian did most of the early work in the garden, but now I'm mostly doing the watering, weeding, Miracle gro-ing and harvesting. What? I never said Miracle Gro, I naturally have a green thumb, I don't need help!

Kai graduated from preschool. I was a little sad because teacher Barbara has been fantastic with the boys. I was also a little sad because kindergarten is only a half day.

Chloe ran in the Wellsville mile. She did really well and beat her time from last year, in spite of the cold and rain.

We went to Bear Lake. I love this picture because that's how I always feel at Bear Lake.

Graeme turned eight. I swear the kid didn't stop moving for a week!

Kai turned five, less than a week later so we had one giganto-dino-stravaganza!

A few days later Graeme and his cousin were baptized. Here's Chloe lookin' lovely at the post-baptism lunch.

Graeme and his cousin in white.

Kai at the lunch. He's eating what I suspect is his third or fourth s'more (yes, I told him only one!)

After the birthday/baptism business, we jumped into baseball season. Or, rather, softball (Chloe),

baseball (Graeme),

(yes, he's eating his glove)

and T-ball (Kai).

This is me coaching and Kai running to base.

This is Brian coaching. Yes, for almost seven weeks we had six games a week (Mon - Thurs) with us coaching two of them. What's that you say? Are we crazy? Did we lose our minds? Yes, yes we are and yes, yes we did.

Of course we can't forget the 4th of July.

Graeme is the one in the red hat. He got to ride on this float in his brand new cub scout shirt in the Hyrum parade. He had a fantastic time.........

....and so did the rest of us! We also got to light off fireworks in front of our house and then watch the city fireworks from our back porch.

Then there's the zoo. The kids still love this silly merry-go-round. Obviously.

This picture cracked me up because that random kid behind Kai has the exact same expression on his face!

Graeme, Graeme, the muscle man.

Mmmm, we apparently looked very tasty.

And finally, more Bear Lake. (Yes, we have gone several times. In fact, the last time we went, we visited Minitonka cave for the first time which was really cool!)

So there it is. Of course I left out sewing and Market and picking cherries and housework and friends and running through sprinklers and groceries and Brian has been to work on and off and we're going to Cedar City in a few weeks and, and......

I wonder if we'll all survive until school starts again so we can get a little rest?

Eyes that can SEE

2010-04-29T11:53:00.000-07:00

I'm so grateful for the kind and encouraging comments I received on that last post. While I'm still feeling a bit discouraged, I had somewhat of a breakthrough Tuesday night. Kai hadn't been feeling well for a couple of days and that night his right eye became red and goopy. Obviously pink eye, my kids have had it often enough that we've gotten really good at recognizing it.

Or so I thought.

See, my eyes have been very irritated and uncomfortable for more than a week. In fact, my left eye had gotten so bad that I couldn't really see, but it happened so gradually that I wasn't consciously aware of the severity of the problem. I was truly suffering but until I pulled out the eye drops for Kai I didn't know why. Now, after only a few doses of eye drops (that were in the medicine cabinet the whole time), I can see! I'm not capable of putting into words how much better I feel. It truly amazes me that something as insignificant as pink eye can cause me such huge problems and be solved by something as simple as a few eye drops.

I guess it's sort of like praying for help and immediately feeling the love and support of family and friends. Who knew?

The Roller Coaster Ride

2010-04-22T11:52:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling so frustrated that I just want to scream!

It's been about 11 months since I started on my weight loss journey and instead of being a smooth and easy ride, it's been a roller coaster of emotional losses and gains. The plan was to exercise and modify my diet, thus losing a steady 10 pounds a month. By now, I was supposed to be down 110 pounds with only 40 to go. Instead, I'm down 41 pounds with 109 to go. I can't believe how hard this is!

I started last May at 290 pounds, a number that still shocks me. I lost consistently until November (the holidays, ugh!) when I weighed in at 248 and went into a holding pattern until January. I lost 6 pounds in January and then illness and cold weather ganged up on me and I put on 20 pounds between the end of January and the end of March. That was the worst I've felt about myself since last May when I started all this. At that point I decided to change my strategy just a little and weigh myself once a week instead of once a month. That seemed to help since I lost twelve pounds the first week of April and another four the second week.

But yesterday I weighed myself again and was back up four pounds to 249.

I just don't know how to handle this anymore. I should be feeling happy that I've lost 40 pounds, that's a big deal! But all I can think about is the fact that I'm still huge! I want to be under 200 pounds so bad that it's hard to even think about anything else! I'm just so tired all the time. Losing weight is supposed to make you stronger and give you energy, but I just feel crappy. I feel weak and tired. And, as I lose weight, my periods are getting worse. Lots of pain and bleeding and bloating and cravings. I put on 10 pounds every four weeks as a direct result of my stupid hormonal cycle. I lose it (mostly) afterwards, but it takes a few days and exercising before, during, and after that time of the month is extremely difficult.

I don't know. I'm just so tired of fighting my food addiction, painful knees, exhaustion, guilt because I spend so much time exercising instead of paying attention to my kids and disappointment in the lack of results. I'm starting to feel like weighing less than 200 pounds is an unattainable goal for me. I want to give up, but the consequences of giving up are much too serious. What does the future look like for me and my family if I give up on this now?

This isn't a very fun roller coaster ride.

Contemplating Raspberries

2010-04-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

Saturday was a fun day. In addition to Graeme's soccer game and cleaning the house, we decided to get a bit of work done in the yard. Brian tilled the garden....

.....while I weeded the raspberries, something I've been meaning to do for quite a while. It's hard to tell in this picture, but there isn't nearly as much grass and other non-raspberry plants in this bed now.

Personally, I believe that the only time it is even possible to weed the raspberries is in the early spring before the bees discover them so I've definitely been feeling some urgency to get it done. However, this particular weeding adventure was somewhat spur of the moment so I went into it a little less than prepared.

(Note to self: long sleeves and garden gloves are a much better way to go when weeding raspberries)

To keep my mind off the pain of weeding, I began to contemplate the raspberries and the process of caring for them. Raspberries are interesting creatures. They grow like weeds in rocky soil and harsh conditions. I've seen them thrive in the heat and sun of St. George and the wind and cold of Hyrum. Of course they do better with good soil and moderate conditions, fertilizer and water, but they're tough little things and will find a way to survive no matter what. This toughness has caused raspberries to develop some interesting survival traits. They're covered with sharp, nasty little thorns, (see picture above) the berries are small and well hidden and bees love them! Because of these things, caring for and harvesting raspberries is a lot of work for a small reward.

For some strange reason my mind next drifted to the struggles of parenting. My kids are interesting creatures. Maybe not quite as tough as raspberries, but every bit as prickly and difficult to work with, especially as they approach teenage years. Chloe. Anyway, I often feel just as unprepared to deal with them as I was to weed the raspberries on Saturday. And, they are a TON of work for what often seems to be a small reward.

So what's my point here? Well, I realized that the raspberries weren't trying to be difficult, it's just the way they are. It would be silly to be angry at the raspberries for scratching me and it's silly to be angry at my children when they make my life hard. They're not trying to be naughty or difficult, it's just the result of learning to survive in this often harsh climate they've been planted in. It's also not their fault that I'm completely unprepared for the challenges of parenting. Who is, really, until they've gone through it 10 or 12 times?

Who knew raspberries were so good for self-realization?

Spring (thank goodness it's over) Break 2010

2010-04-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

Spring break was last week and man, what a week it was! I did my usual laundry and grocery shopping and then we played, played, played! First we went to see How To Train Your Dragon in 3-D (still the best movie ever)! Then we went to the Hogle Zoo. The giraffes were my favorite part. I just love how impossibly graceful they are!

This ground hog (or prairie dog? I not sure which) exhibit was the kids' second favorite next to the snakes and scorpions which I refused to take pictures of on the grounds that they freak me out.

Real white rhinocerous. Turns out the title "white" has nothing to do with the skin color and everything to do with the shape of the lip. Who knew?

Kids on a rhinocerous statue. I'm pretty sure the real rhino wouldn't have sat still for this sort of behavior.

Real elephant and very cute baby.

Kids in front of an elephant statue. I wanted them to sit on the trunk, but they wouldn't. Oh well.

After the zoo, we went to Baby Animal Days at the America West Heritage Center (used to be the Jensen Historical Farm). Twice. My kids look forward to this event all year. I think they enjoy it even more than Christmas! Graeme's face here is a case in point.

They had this mechanical bucking bronco set up this year. I was astonished when Chloe insisted that I let her try it. She did really well, didn't even get thrown off and had a great time! I may have a budding rodeo princess on my hands.

Actual baby animals. Poor things.

Kids in a really old car. I'm trying not to think to much about the fact that Chloe is behind the wheel.

Cute baby bear.

Okay, that was just Kai in a baby bear mask. Here's the real cute baby bear. These little guys were so adorable, they looked like big soft teddy bears. It's hard to believe that they can grow into 300 pounds wild animals.

Chloe on the all-important pony ride. I'm going to be very sad when she outgrows the ponies. I'll have to get her a summer job at one of the local farms where she can learn to ride horses. Although, honestly, I wonder if she'll ever physically outgrow ponies. She's so small!

Graeme on same pony ride.

Last but not least, Kai.

All in all, we had a ton of fun. I didn't get any projects done, but at least I didn't let the kids watch TV and play video games all week. Of course, Graeme decided to continue our new family tradition of someone getting wounded during Spring Break by slamming Kai's finger in the door. (Last year Graeme fell at Disneyland and scraped up his forehead pretty good.

Miraculously, he survived and the rest of us did too. Hopefully I'll have the stamina to continue the fun over the summer. Either way, Spring Break 2010 is done. Phew!

The Dream

2010-04-14T12:15:00.000-07:00

Early this morning after Brian left for Salt Lake, I went back to sleep and had a dream. In this dream I did something that I would NEVER do in real life. It was really fun and exciting and at the time (in the dream) I really enjoyed it.

When I woke up, for a brief moment, I thought that it was real and I had really done the terrible thing that I did in my dream.

My whole world came crashing down around me. In that split second before I realized that it was only a dream, I saw that my actions would result in the loss of every person and every thing important to me. My husband and kids, my church membership, all the projects and work that have been so stressful for me lately would be gone from my life. I wanted to die.

When the moment passed and I realized that mistake had never actually been made, the relief and gratitude that I felt were overwhelming. I got down on my knees and thanked my Heavenly Father for the wonderful life that I have. Life really is good and I guess I just need the occasional reminder to keep me on the straight and narrow.

How to Train Your Dragon

2010-04-05T21:12:00.000-07:00

Best. Movie. Ever!!!!!!

I'm not joking. Drop whatever you're doing, get up from the computer and go see it right now! In 3-D!

Take your spouse, your neighbor and your kids and go! Now!

My babies

2010-04-01T11:55:00.000-07:00

The kids got to wear their new Easter finery last Sunday since this weekend is Conference. So we took some pictures and I thought I'd share.

Chloe chose the pattern and fabric for her dress, then I made it. Now she's telling me that it's a bit "puffy". Sigh. I made her last three Easter and last two Christmas dresses and I think this is the best one yet. I have to admit that I'm very proud of myself!

Here's Kai; his clothes are a little big now, but I'm sure he'll barely fit into them by the end of the summer! My dryer must be too hot because his clothes keep getting smaller and smaller. Hmmm.........

Since Graeme's going to be baptized in June, we bought him his first suit. I can't believe how grown-up he looks in it! Of course, after church with no tie and his shirt untucked, he informed me that he wants to not wear his suit again until he gets baptized. I was a little confused because he was so excited about wearing it in the first place, but I think he was a little embarassed because not many of the other boys his age wear one. Whatever.

They look happy here, but two minutes after this picture was taken, they were outside screaming about what order they would get into the van. I guess I don't need to worry about my kids growing up too fast since they seem to be fighting the whole process tooth and nail!

If I was president....

2010-02-13T16:57:00.000-08:00

Graeme came home from school Thursday with this poem that he wrote. I got such a kick out of it that I just had to share.

If I was president, I would make a new holiday.
I would call it dino-day.
In dino-day, everybody would celebrate the dinosaur bones.
They would also ware dinosaur costumes.
At the end of dino-day, everyone would gather at a big table.
They would have a HUGE FEAST!
Then when everyone is done, they make dinosaur noises!
Roar, roar, lots of roars!
Soon, everyone would get tired.
Then they would go to sleep and say, good by dino-day.

Graeme for President!

I love skiing!

2010-02-10T12:54:00.000-08:00

One of the great things about living here is the fact that our school takes the 4th and 5th graders skiing every year. Last year I didn't get to go with Chloe (for various reasons) but this year Brian and I both went. I can't believe how much fun I had!

The sun was shining the whole day! It's been weeks since I saw the sun with no clouds or fog or SMOG. The air was crisp and clean, it was so clean I couldn't taste it! The snow sparkled and the only sounds were the creaking of the chair lift, the laughter of children and my skis gliding across the snow. My world has been gray for so long that I forgot how crisp colors can be in the winter. The blue sky, green trees and white snow were like ambrosia to my sad self. I apologize for waxing poetic, but I experienced five hours of pure, unadulterated sunlight. I just can't help myself!

Aside from the fantastic weather and scenery, the skiing was phenomenal! The resort wasn't crowded and my meager skills came back to me pretty quickly in spite of the ten year gap between now and the last time I went skiing. Of course, no ski trip is complete without a good crash and boy did I crash good! It was my first time down the regular hill and I got going a little too fast so I steered towards a powdery area thinking that I could slow down and regain control. Unsurprisingly, all the powder did was trip me up. Down I went in a blaze of glory, skis, poles, ear muffs and snow flying in all directions. I bet it was spectacular to watch! When I finally rolled to a stop, I was amazed to discover that I was completely unharmed. I got up, dusted myself off, collected all my gear (not an easy feat since it was scattered halfway across the mountain) and skiied down the hill. In spite of the fact that this whole thing happened right next to the chair lift, in plain view of every person on the mountain, my only regret is the fact that not one person got a picture of it. Dang it!

I do have to say, I feel very proud of myself. I skiied from about 9:30 in the morning until 3:00 in the afternoon and I wasn't completely exhausted. Hooray! I'm pretty sore today, but I'm very pleased with my stamina overall. I guess all that exercise I've been doing is paying off! Man, I love to ski! Can I go back tomorrow?

The Spelling Bee

2010-02-06T13:21:00.000-08:00

My amazing daughter was in the school spelling bee yesterday.

I am so proud of her! They took the top two spellers from each of the fourth and fifth grade classes so there were 18 students who participated in the school-wide spelling bee. They sent home the big list of words that even I can't spell (I swear half of them were French) and we dilligently studied with her.

Chloe made it through to the third round (there were only four students left) and then misspelled "consensus". The sad thing was that she knew how to spell the word, she just got in a hurry and said "o" instead of "u". But she reacted so well! She was a little disappointed, but she didn't cry or freak out.

I'm just so proud of her for doing her best and accepting the outcome even though it meant she didn't win. I love her so much! Does this mean she's growing up?

We shook his hand

2010-02-02T11:57:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned yesterday, I hauled my sick butt out of bed Sat and Sun to go to Stake Conference. I'll admit, if a member of the Quorum of the Twelve hadn't been there, I also wouldn't have been there. But I was there and I'm glad. I feel like I appreciated the experience more than I otherwise would have because I made a bigger sacrifice to be there.

Elder Anderson has a very relaxed and humorous way of speaking. I got to hear Pres. Hinckley speak once in person when I was on my mission and Elder Anderson reminds me of him. He spoke about many things, and I left feeling spiritually fed. I was most touched, however, by the apostolic blessing he left us with. He had talked about the necessity of teaching our children the gospel and then he blessed us with the strength to teach our children. I loved his word choice because my children are very intelligent and independent and the effort required to teach them is sometimes beyond me.

When the Sunday meeting ended, Elder Anderson stayed up on the stand and shook hands. I waffled about whether to take the kids up and shake his hand. I still wasn't feeling well and there were quite a few people waiting. As I debated with myself, I realized that here was a chance to teach my children. I've only had two opportunities in my entire life to shake the hand of an apostle of the Lord. I'm fully aware that neither of those two men remembers me, but I remember them and how I felt near them. These are men who are filling a very special calling. They are close to the Lord and full of His Spirit. Shaking the hand of a man like that is a unique experience and I suddenly wanted it for my kids. So up we went and shook his hand and it was worth it.

Once again, I'm sure he doesn't remember me or my family, but I'm also sure that we will never forget him.

The weekend

2010-02-01T12:46:00.000-08:00

It's over. I survived. Barely.

I caught the crap Brian had the week before and spent most of the weekend in bed or on the toilet wishing I was dead. Then to add insult to injury, that time of the month rolled around yesterday. Ugh!

I did drag myself out of bed Saturday night and again Sunday morning to go to Stake Conference and listen to Elder Neil Anderson (Quorum of the 12) speak. We also got to shake his hand (more about that later).

And I weighed myself yesterday morning because now I'm just in the habit of doing the old weigh-in on the last day of the month. I don't know if it was the previous two days of not eating or the other previous 30 of diet and exercise, but I've lost 7 more pounds, bringing my grand total of weight lost up to 47 pounds. Whatever the reason, I'll take it!

If I felt better, I'd probably do a little dance. I'll forgo the dance, but I did exercise this morning, cramps, bubbly stomach and all.

For the beauty of the Earth

2010-01-29T14:44:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling a little down, what with the cold, fog, clouds and SMOG; so I went out with my camera yesterday and rediscovered the beauty of the earth. In case you were wondering, that isn't snow on all the branches, it's frost, and the white sky also isn't snow, it's fog. I guess beauty really IS in the eye of the beholder! Enjoy!

The Gift

2010-01-13T21:13:00.000-08:00

I had an epiphany while watching The Biggest Loser the other day. (Great show, by the way) Bob (a trainer) was talking to Michael (the 500 pound contestant). Bob told Michael that he had been given a gift; the opportunity to come on the show and change his life around. "Wow!" I thought, as I jogged on my mini trampoline, "What a lucky duck! I wish I had been given that gift!" Bob then proceeded to tell Michael that he needed to embrace this gift and not waste it.

That was when it hit me: I have, in fact, been given that same gift! Well, I'm not going to be on The Biggest Loser, but I have the time, the means, the support and the knowledge necessary to change my life around! Most important of all, I have a fresh start every day! I arrived where I am in life as a direct result of the choices (good and bad) that I have made......but when I get up each morning, there is nothing forcing me to make those same choices! How have I missed this before?

Don't get me wrong, I didn't choose to end up 150 pounds overweight, but I DID choose to not exercise very regularly and overeat for the past 12 years. But I don't have to do that anymore!

When I tell people that I'm exercising and watching what I eat and that I've lost 40 pounds, their response is always the same: "I should do that" and my response is also always the same: "Yes, you should!" I love this picture of Kai sitting on the bouncy ball. He's looking ahead, not focusing on past hurts and disappointments. I think for a long time I was trapped by my mistakes, I thought I couldn't change, it was too hard.

Well, now I know better! I've been given this priceless gift of a fresh start every day. But guess what? So have you! No matter what the choices are that are weighing you down, decide right now to make new ones! Take that first step toward happiness and stop giving up on yourself every day! Honestly, the first step is the easiest. Do you want to know what my first step was? It was deciding to change. All the other steps are much harder, but you can't take all the other steps without taking the first step and you don't have to take all the other steps all at once, you just have to take them!

I apologize for being so long-winded, but I have a vested interest in the six of you who read my blog. You're my family! So I say this to you: If you haven't taken that first step, take it now! Embrace your gift! I have!

Off cruise control, back on the wagon

2010-01-06T12:26:00.000-08:00

So last spring I hit rock bottom in the old self-esteem arena. After getting up and dusting myself off, I jumped on the first weight loss bandwagon I could find and headed up. I did really well until about Oct. when my self-esteem had recovered somewhat and I started to become distracted by silly things like Holidays (imagine that word all deep and echo-y and the capital "h" will make more sense).

The good news is: I didn't put all the weight I'd lost back on, (I'm still down 40 lbs) but I did slip into cruise control and stopped losing. It turns out that losing weight is scary. I'm changing and I think the Holidays (again with the deep and echo-y) gave me a convenient excuse to take a little break and come to terms with the idea of change. Anyway, while it's discouraging to go three months without dropping an ounce, I'm feeling pretty encouraged that I managed to go that long without gaining any either. Maybe this means that when I finally reach my goal I'll be able to maintain it for the rest of my long, healthy life. Hmmm.....

My point is that I'm back to business, back on the wagon, and completely out of cruise control. Watch for monthly updates and please keep reminding me that I've only got until Oct. to drop the rest of the weight (all 110 lbs of it). I'm not going to call it a New Year's resolution, but this is a new year and I am resolved. Hey, if the shoe fits.